Loss or depression are common things. I can wholeheartedly say that I’ve experienced both several times in my life. I still have graphic memories of losing a loved one, or trying to take my own life because mentally and emotionally, I was not myself. I would say most causes of depression stem from feeling guilty or unconfident; I still remember when I got into a fight with my friends, and how that was what started my depression. Getting job and club board rejections, it caused that self-doubt and feeling of worthlessness to grow.
As the anxiety and doubt took over, I started to become less myself; by this, I meant that I would start joking around about killing myself a lot more, or inflicting harm to anyone in general. I became more verbally abusive, without even being aware of it most of the times, and it got to the point where I would say something I wouldn’t mean, hurt somebody I care about, and by feeling guilty about that, it made my depression that much more worse. And then there’s the panic attacks. I would be holding a sharp blade, like a chef knife or a nail clipper, and this voice would whisper to me to press the blade against my wrists. I had to fight off the urge to listen.
It’s a vicious cycle, and getting out of it is really hard. For me, I had to attempt suicide for me to overcome everything. Right before I was about to take a jump, every happy memory flashed through my mind, ending with the last time I tried something like this, back in high school, senior year, when I felt just as worthless and unfulfilled. I remembered at that moment, what it was that I wanted to live for. I needed to be strong, for myself so that I can continue proving to everyone who has ever doubted or rejected me why they were wrong to think that way about me.
If you ever feel or know somebody who is going through what I had just explained, find them help. And no, I don’t just mean talk to them and try to calm them down. I mean grab them, or yourself, and go to a psychiatrist. Even though it sounds scary, or you don’t want to be classified as a nut-job or psycho, it needs to be done or else that depression will get to the point that I just mentioned. That self-loathing behavior will consume and harm everything and leave behind no real survivors.
Honestly, trying to hurt myself made me realize a lot of things. It reminded me that so many people do actually care about how I am. I gained a lot more reassurance that even though I was rejected, it really was those companies’ and club’s losses. I am a passionate, capable person, and nobody can ever tell me otherwise, except for me. Never let anyone tell you that you are not worth any value. Always keep walking forward, and leave those doubts behind. That’s the best way to prove anyone wrong. That’s my secret to being feather-light.