It took me a long time (22 years, precisely) to feel proud about who I am as a person. I am a kindhearted, generous, and caring individual who only wants the best for friends and loved ones, and I will go out of my way, and make sacrifices for them. Being selfless is great, but there is a such thing as being too selfless. When you sacrifice time and sleep constantly to make sure that somebody you care about is okay. And especially when they are not so receptive to that and misinterpret your gestures for romantic feelings. Yeah, that’s happened to me twice with two close friends, once in high school, and another time in college. And both times, they were both people who unintentionally drove me to trying to take my own life.
For me, I always try to put others before myself. That’s one of the reasons why hospitality and charity are things I really do love to partake in. But there comes a point when you need to be selfish. Yeah, that sounds really shady, but please hear out what I’m trying to get at. You need to think about your own future, your own goals, and what makes you happy. If you cannot find those things in what you are doing in your day to day life, you’ll begin to resent yourself. Making sure you know your own self-worth, doing the things that make you happy as a person, those are all deeply important. If you don’t do that, then you’ll find yourself drifting into a routine where you feel no value or fulfillment.
It was a real wake-up moment for me when I stepped on a scale, and saw that after a month of feeling bad about living, I dropped 20 pounds. That’s what depression does to you. I saw myself in the mirror. And what I saw terrified me. My eyes were sunken in with black bags dragging them down. My cheeks were hollow. My arm was twitching uncontrollably. That person staring back at me through the glass, it wasn’t who I normally am. That’s what having no happiness does to you. That’s what happens when your heart is only filled with dark thoughts and emptiness.
Storytelling and writing are things that make me happy. Being able to state my mind, and leave the thought there for anyone else to pick it up, it feels like I’m actually creating some sort of legacy. With stories, or at least good stories, they’ll never go away. They’ll live on and be passed down through the generations. Even without knowing it, a story you thought you created, it probably would have been told before. However, that just means the moral, the ideas, they are being handed down, with new life breathed into them. Having that little spark in your life, the thing you can put before anything else. It’s a reason for you to move forward, it really does help cast aside any doubts and depression in your life. To tell these stories, I can feel myself walking past all of my pain and guilt. And that is a secret to being feather-light.