I would say that for the moment, this is the culmination of all realizations. This is the one that really snapped me out of my depression. Seeing the effects of depression on me, it was an eye-opener. And just knowing the way I acted, and how it affected the people I loved and cared about. Unfortunately, I cannot undo the horrible things I’ve said during that state. And no, I cannot expect forgiveness either. I can try, which I intend to do. But regardless of whether people do or don’t accept my apology, I need to change. I need to become a better me from this.
Taking that step back is the first thing you need to do to stop that weakness. You need to remove yourself from the environment that dragged you into that depression. Having a passion gives you a new reason to live. Knowing your self worth keeps doubt from crawling back in. Most importantly, you need to re-learn how to love yourself. Figure out what qualities you have that you really are proud of. Whether it’s being a driven worker, or a selfless person, you need to remind yourself why you still need to exist in this world. Sometimes, the qualities you need to realize aren’t the one you immediately think of. For me, I know that being selfless and caring are good qualities, but the real quality that I am proud about is my willpower. Even when I was about to jump, I stopped myself. I was able to come to the conclusion that I am not going to hurt anyone anymore than I already have. Just knowing that I forced myself to not jump, it made me realize that I am stronger than I realized.
I thought by killing myself, I was doing somebody else a favor. I thought that he would be better off without me. Both times. But that was wrong to think that way. Nobody, no matter how much they dislike me, would genuinely wish for my death. Mostly because I have never done anyone that much wrong in my life. Already at that point, I was digging deep, and finding the qualities that I love. Just the fact that I wanted to off myself for the convenience of others, it shows selflessness and remorse. While yes, it shows cowardice and a lack of confrontation, those are qualities I now know I need to work on if I am to get stronger in the future.
Zero in on the qualities you are proud of, and make improving the ones you are ashamed of a priority. By doing both, you are building yourself back up as a person. With every other realization I have had, by following all of them, I can get myself out of that funk. I can take the steps necessary to be happy again. That really is how I overcame that funk of doubt and anxiety, and realized what I need to set out to do to be the person I want to be again. As for how other people react, that’s another story to tell. But this is my secret to overcoming a personal obstacle, and having a feather-light life.