Friends: realization 6

For the longest time, I’ve made the mistake with who I trusted. Like I mentioned in my dream post about who to love, you need to be very careful about who you bring into your life and close to your heart. This realization is more because I have made mistakes in the past and I’d rather share those mistakes so other people don’t make them as well. Let’s start with the beginning.

Back in first grade, I befriended a group of people who I enjoyed spending company with. And they were rude, rambunctious, troublemaking, and they used and abused me. I only stayed because I didn’t know better; I assumed that all friends did this. I thought it was normal for somebody to take my entire lunch and eat it, and label that as me “sharing” my food with him. And then when they ripped up my stuff, calling it trash, that’s when I started crying. They cut me off their group after that.

Just in that example alone, it just shows that when being in an abusive relationship can be hard to notice, especially when you are initially brought up thinking that it is the norm to be treated that way. I remember I cried, begged them to take me back, and they just cut me off. Little did they know, that was a huge favor to me, because all they did was abuse me anyways. But the big takeaway here is that if you give everything for your friends, and they do not give back, then they really aren’t your friends. And no, I don’t just mean you get them a $100 gift for Christmas and they get you a $1 ballpoint pen. I mean you consistently go out of your way for them, taking time out of your life for them, and they do not ever wish to do the same. That’s not okay.

You might think that a friend who is trying to help you is somebody to value too. But if that friend only makes the situation worse, because they inherently are manipulative, self-centered, and controlling, then they aren’t worth having in your life either. When I was about to jump, one of my friends, she called the police to find me, and then contacted my family, who then flew over to see me just out of the hospital. But then that same friend basically took control of the entire situation, and wouldn’t let me confront the person who was probably the most affected by my attempt; my roommate. She then outright denied having anything to do with the situation, screaming that it wasn’t her problem, when my mom tried to confront her on what exactly she was trying to do by interjecting herself into the situation. To make manners worse, that friend, and her older sister, got into a shouting fest with my mother. That sort of disrespect is the reason why I cut them out of my life.

While yes, I am thankful that she called my family, because I needed them, I am not thankful about how she tried to interject herself into a situation that she did not know the full circumstances of, and then on top of that, after making the situation take a ridiculous extreme (fun fact, I had to move out of my old apartment with my roommate, and spend an additional $11,000 on a new apartment; I can neither sublease or rent out the one I was living in to make up the cost because it’s a dorm), denying any involvement to it, and having herself and her sister block me on FaceBook. That just shows insecurity, and immaturity. While she’s busy sorting out how she feels, I’m going to be moving on with my life.

Lastly, friends should know when enough is enough. With my roommate, the reason why they were so affected by my suicide attempt was because we were close friends, and because they saw my depression get progressively worse and found themselves increasingly more helpless on what to do about it. My roommate and I still aren’t talking to this day, because of how scarred they are from my attempt. I don’t know if they feel guilty, sad, scared, but they won’t talk to me, so I guess I’ll never know. But the point here is that if you notice something getting progressive more out of hand, then that’s when you should be finding outside help. In my case, rather than trying to just push the entire burden onto themselves, my roommate should have just forced me to go to a psychiatrist. Even if I denied needing it, it was obvious that I needed the help, and that there was only so much that they could have done for me in that situation.

There are people who my sister would refer to as merry-weather friends; people who only want to hang out with you when things are good, but are nowhere to be seen when you need help. Those people, they should mean absolutely nothing to you. True friends stick with you, and go out of their way for you when you need the help or are in trouble, and on top of that, they are constants in your life. The thing is, the ambulance calling friend, she had a hand in my depression, because she isolated me from everyone in my usual social circle, besides my roommate. A friend does not turn friends against each other. Even if they have personal grudges, they don’t involve other people, or force other people to play the whole “it’s me or them” game. To me, that’s petty and immature, and those are qualities you really don’t need in your life.

While it might be hard to let go of certain people from your life, it’s typically for the best, no matter how many happy memories or good times you’ve had with them. Ambulance girl and my roommate, yes I had several great memories with them, but given how they both acted and treated me during and after my depression, it shows that they really aren’t there for me, but rather, they only cared about themselves. If they cared about me, in ambulance girl’s case, she would’ve backed off; calling the police and my family were enough. She didn’t need to interject herself between me and my roommate. For my roommate, they just needed to be honest with my from the get-go. They needed to tell me that they felt uncomfortable with how I was treating them, how my depression was getting worse, and how they were afraid that I might have had romantic feelings for them. The fact that as my roommate and one of my close friends at that time, they did not feel safe telling me this, it just shows how emotionally immature they are. They still need time to grow up, because as they are now, they’ll just keep hurting me emotionally and mentally.

Friends are such a specific subject. You really need to be selective and it’s okay to be picky. I’ve had to realize time and time again that entire social circles were not worth keeping around, because immaturity, discomfort, rudeness, etc. Cutting them off is always the hard part, because you are breaking a norm or a routine, but it needs to be done if continuing your interaction and friendship with them is only hurting you. Always know that you owe it to yourself to be surrounded by people who love and care about you, and who are emotionally and mentally mature enough in case an extreme situation such as depression happens. The last one, it’s hard to gauge, but it’s important, especially in worst-case scenarios. Being with good people, it’s the key to living a feather-light life.

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