Trust: realization 8

If there is no trust, then there is no true relationship or friendship. That’s what happened between me and my recent roommate. I thought I could trust them with my secrets, I thought I could trust them with my stories. I hoped that they could trust me with my thoughts, feelings, fears. I wanted to know that our apartment was a safe place for both of us. Unfortunately, that sort of trust, it’s too much to ask for from certain people.

The fact that my roommate could not feel comfortable enough to tell or show me the extent to which they were worried about me when I was going through my depression, or tell me they were afraid I was developing romantic feelings for them, that hurt the most. They hid these secrets, either because they were afraid of escalating the situation, or that they didn’t want me to get angry at them. Regardless of whichever one, it felt like at the end of the day, they only cared about their own safety.

If they really wanted to help me, they would’ve expressed the worry, expressed the fear. But instead, they bottled it up, because they were afraid of me yelling at them. I feel pretty hurt about the situation, just because as much as I trusted them with my secrets, feelings, they could not bring it upon themselves to do the same. Instead, they lied. They claimed to be tired, because they wanted to avoid me in my state of depression. They could not tell me the truth about how they felt.

They shafted me in a lot of ways. Isolated me, tried to push me away. Rather than trying to tell me how they really felt, they lied to me, pushing me away, and I misinterpreted it as them being better off without me. I just felt like if I disappeared, they would be better off without me. In the moment when I tried to kill myself, I only had a gut feeling that my presence made my roommate uncomfortable. I did not know the exact reasons, but I sensed contempt and discomfort from them.

What really hurt in that scenario was hearing my roommate confess all of their discomfort to my other friends, who showed me through video recordings. It just broke my heart, knowing that they couldn’t trust me enough to tell me these things in person. To tell me these things when I was going through my depression. Even though they probably did not want to worsen the situation, had I known I had this effect on them, it would have made me that much more aware that I needed help. Granted, retrospect is a complete bitch. It could have made me angry, even for a second, but at least I could have appreciated the truth coming from them directly.

The lack of trust is what can really harm a friendship. While my roommate has been emotionally scarred by the whole ordeal, the lack of confiding in me caused me to misinterpret the situation, and it led to me trying to kill myself. Trust is important. Being able to feel comfortable and safe enough to tell somebody what you’re thinking or how you’re feeling, it really does help a relationship. The lack of that, it unfortunately leaves the mind up to assumption. Doubts, fears, it all builds up, until something irreversible could happen. If you do not feel comfortable speaking from your mind and heart to somebody, maybe they shouldn’t be your friend. And if you cannot bring yourself to do that with anybody at all, then maybe you should start trusting people more. Either way, trust is needed, if you do not want to lead a lonely life. Being able to feel safe amongst the people you surround yourself in, that’s key to being feather-light.

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