I am a naturally competitive person. I believe that I need to be valued, whether it be by myself or by others. I need to know that I am somebody that other people can care about. And when I feel like other people care less about me than I do about them, it becomes this almost self-inflicted abusive relationship. I keep trying harder to care for them more, because I need to know that they care for me as well. It gets to the point where I really will pour my 200% effort into making sure that I care about those people who don’t reciprocate; it consumes my every thought and action. I used to be that kind of person who would want what they can’t have, especially when it comes to earning somebody I want to care for’s warm thoughts or attention. It all stems from the fact that I have a deep-seated fear about being abandoned and forgotten.
I used to think that it was better to die remembered than live forgotten. It all stems back to my abandonment issues as a kid. Whenever my mom would leave the house, the infant me would start crying, thinking that she was leaving me behind. My father, being so disapproving of me in general, that did not help the whole case of me feeling belonging or loved. I just felt that when people do not like me, I try to make them like me. It was that sort of insecurity that had gotten me into a lot of self-inflicted pain. From an outsider’s perspective, it’s easy to see that I need to be cut away from those kinds of people. But for me, mentally, I get so fixated on trying to be accepted, to receive that validation, that all I can think about is doing what I can to receive it.
It was a really tough lesson for me to learn, but the only person’s approval you need is your own. You need to be the person you want to be, and nobody else should really tell you otherwise. Obviously, there are exceptions, such as being a terrorist, rapist, pedophile, or a serial killer, so don’t go twisting my words, Internet. So besides those and like examples, you really should not have to care about what others say. Be the person you want to be. Find validation in yourself; be proud of what you are doing or the person that you are and don’t feel like you need to prove yourself to other people. Being able to love yourself, and finding that sort of self-approval, that is key to being feather-light.