This is probably one of the biggest reasons why I fall into depression. I get too sentimental for my own good. And it always happens during my senior year of school, be it high school or college. Whenever I have great memories from the years before, and not knowing where my future lies, it causes me to rely on those old memories to keep me going. And naturally, while I am hung up on the past, everyone else is moving on with their lives. I can’t move forward, because I am trying too hard to cling on to good memories that are drifting further and further away. This stems back to my biggest fear, being abandoned and forgotten. Since I cannot move forward, the entire world is naturally leaving me behind. And I am stuck living in the past.
The biggest reason I get sentimental is because I am too scared about what comes next in my life. The next big chapter, the huge question mark that is my future. Obviously, it won’t be as bad once I am on the other side, no matter where I wind up, but that sort of anxiety causes me to feel isolated. Those good memories are the only thing that I feel are keeping me from completely breaking down. Or so I thought. In reality, me relying on those good memories, plus me trying to avoid my uncertainty, it keeps me from being able to take that leap into my future, or at the least, treat the moments leading up to it like every other day.
When I become too sentimental, I basically fall into this state of relying too much on the past, looking too into previous actions of those around me. It does cause me to appreciate people more, but unfortunately, it comes off in the creepiest and most unsettlingly way possible. Twice now have friends who have been subjected to me in this state have thought I had romantic feelings for them. But it all stems back to me wanting to reciprocate the consideration they have given me over the years, by being so sentimental. Again, this is not okay behavior. I am not proud of the fact that I did this, because I just could not let it go and move forward with my life.
My biggest fear is being left behind, but ironically, my crutch or solution to my second biggest fear, which is uncertainty, just feeds into it. I am being left behind because I couldn’t let go of the past, accept my present, and move forward into my future. Well, not before causing me to lose countless friendships associated with the memories I relied on to get me through my doubts and uncertainties. The only way thus far that I managed to remove this reliance on sentimentalism was to sever my ties with the people I loved, and with that, I had nothing left to be sentimental about. This is not a good habit either. I need to ultimately accept my present and walk into my future, not holding onto the past at all. That is the only way I can become feather-light.