Control: realization 14

I am the type of person who gets transfixed on one thing, and I allow it to become my entire life. Classic examples include reading, anime, video games (specifically Pokémon), running, and then finally, cooking. I have at one point in my life, been completely obsessed with one of those things to the extent where I would spend all of my free time doing it. I was obsessed with having control and power over my life and the lives of those when they interact with me, but more on the latter in a bit.  I still remember when I got Pokémon Platinum Version from my grandma, I vowed to capture every Pokémon, and fully evolve and level them to Lv. 100 in her memory. Obviously, if you do not play Pokémon, you wouldn’t necessarily understand how much time that took, but I spent an entire summer vacation just doing that because it was all I could think about. I wanted to be the very best, like no one ever way.
I think the worst kind of obsession I get is based on my expectations on how people would interact with me. I always have this perfect vision of how I want my friendships to go or how I would want a relationship to be like. I have lost many hours of sleep trying to predict how interactions may go. Thinking about those things, it consumes me in a very not-okay way. Me being such a control freak and needing things to go exactly the way I envisioned it does not help either. Especially when my friendships affected by this obsession go south. I, embarrassingly enough, could relate to that janitor guy who turned into the electric super villain in the Amazing Spiderman 2, specifically when he was fantasizing different hypothetical scenarios where he would meet Spiderman. That was a huge eye-opener for me, because I realized how creepy being this obsessed and imagining different scenarios of me interacting with people can actually be.
Me being this control freak who needs things to go a certain way, it stems back to my relatively lonely childhood. I feel scared whenever I meet new people, because I do not know how they would interact with me. That’s where my need to sort of simulate or fantasize scenarios, to mentally anticipate any situation, came about. It was my way of trying to overcompensate for my own social awkwardness and ineptitude. But that’s not okay. It’s not natural to do that, and human beings can easily react in ways outside of your own expectations and experiences. To overcome that ineptitude, I just need to keep talking to people. That’s it. For me, I have learned that the hard way. I can never fully predict how a person can act, nor should I be so hell-bent on trying to figure out how they might treat me in certain scenarios. The hard part for me is letting go of that need to predict and simulate. But it is still not healthy for me to keep doing that. I am causing myself to have expectations are realistically never going to be met. I was over anticipating and obviously, 99% of the scenarios I prepare for will almost never happen, because there can only be one conclusion from each interaction.
Ultimately, I just need to learn to be natural in scenarios. I need to stop being so antsy, trying to make things happen exactly the way I want them. I am starting to understand now that the need for control, it came from me not having any as a child, and me trying to overcompensate now; not having full control, or rather, being controlled by others, caused me to have a lot of insecurity when I was young. But now that I am older, I wanted to be able to predict, anticipate, and prepare myself for anything, all the same time as being the best I possibly can at whatever it is I step my mind to. Obviously, there are two kinds of obsessions. The first, like the Pokémon example, can be good if used on the right outlets (imagine if I spent that time studying, then I’d be telling you guys about how I got into an Ivy League School instead). The second, it’s just unnecessary and it sets you up mentally for disappointment and shock when things do not go the way, or ways, you expected. For me, going with the flow feels hard because it leaves me feeling uncertain, but I just need to learn to embrace uncertainty and let my interactions with people be organic. If we become friends, then good. Do not think more of it, or too deep into it. Sometimes, your own brain can be your worst enemy. Let loose, and only obsess about things that require it. That’s how I know I can one day become feather-light.

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