Martyr: realization 15

It took a long time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself. Boo-hoo, I attempted suicide, my friends all claimed that I was the bad person despite having no control over my actions during my depression, I was hospitalized, I had to move out of my apartment. It’s all just in the past to me at this point. I refuse to let these incidents weaken my resolve. Why do I bother making sacrifices when nobody really appreciates them? By constantly victimizing myself, becoming this martyr for my friends, it’s not going to make me happy. Nor will it make them happy. Trying to label myself as the victim in this situation who valiantly took the fall for others, it’s not something I will live by or with. Simply put, I am not going to continue being the sacrificial lamb just so that my friends can be happy nor am I going to feel sorry for myself that I did this. Their happiness should not stem from my misery.

The first case I can think about was when I wanted to quit the cultural organization board that I was originally the secretary for. I hated being in that club. I was miserable: I would cry myself to sleep every night, be overworked, undervalued, and bullied by my entire board. Nobody respected me because I was the secretary. I really wanted to quit. But then when one of my mentees wound up on board, they begged me to stay. So I did. Even when I really didn’t want to. And to make manners more awkward, my mentee got into another cultural organization, where they seemed a lot happier. So I felt like I already made a sacrifice by just staying, and I felt like they were stranding me with this parasite that I was trying to detach myself from. I never understood why I was so angry whenever I saw my mentee with their other board. Until I realized how unhappy being in this board had made me. I had made this sacrifice, taking away my own happiness, because I wanted to be there for my mentee. And my mentee decides that my guidance was not enough, and took off for another club. At least that’s how I felt, deep inside. That I was not good enough. Eventually, I just got so fed up that I quit the club finally. I decided not to be stuck doing something I don’t want to be doing, especially when the person I was doing it for clearly didn’t seem to care. I needed to do things I actually care about.

Another incident was with my roommate (who coincidentally was also that same mentee, go figure). I had a phenomenal housing number; in my school, we were assigned randomly numbers between 0 and 30,000, and that’s how we choose our dorms. I was within the first 100 to choose. I could have chosen a single apartment, all to myself, but I offered to pull my then-friend, would later be-roommate and mentee in, just out of courtesy since my number was really good and I did not want it to go to complete waste. Had I been selfish and simply not offered, then this whole roommate situation I have spent at least 8 blog posts ranting about would not have happened. But I made a sacrifice, hoping that I would gain a best friend for life. Instead, I endured a semester of being neglected, treated like shit, and almost killing myself after basically being told that me cooking for them and worrying about them made me the bad person. And I ended up moving out of that apartment. So what a waste of a top 100 number. But at this point, it was important for me to cut my losses, learn my lesson, and move on.

Between those two examples, the point I am trying to reiterate here is that you should only ever make sacrifices that you can 100% stand behind. I knew, re-joining the organization, that I would not have been happy. I knew that by pulling in somebody else, I was sacrificing the chance to live alone, where solitude is something that I genuinely need. In both cases, I felt that me giving up those things, I would hope that they were appreciated. And they weren’t. Not even in the fucking slightest. Which is why I am saying this right now. Never make a sacrifice for somebody else thinking that they will appreciate it. You might get lucky and have people who are grateful. But when you deal with the people who are ungracious little shits, then you wound up making sacrifices and wishing you never made them. Cut your losses with them and that whole situation. It isn’t worth it to be friends with people who can’t be properly gracious. Always make decisions putting your happiness and your future first in mind. Nobody else’s. That’s the only way you can really live feather-light.

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