Dear diary: dream 19

We all have secrets we would like to bury somewhere. As children, we had diaries and journals. As adults, well, it depends. Some people get psychiatrists, others, book clubs, some like me get anonymous blogs. Basically, we want to keep our secrets a secret, but we also need to appease the urge to blurt them out. When I think about all of the secrets I have kept over the years, it does get tough to keep them all hidden. But I have seen somebody else who had to swear a lot of conflicts to secrecy, and as a result, he internally broke down. I tried to do the same, but it got harder and harder as time progressed. I didn’t want to keep those aspects of me a secret any longer.

The idea of secrets, I just wonder why we need to have them. Why can’t we be open about our lives? Granted, I should be able to answer that rhetorical easily, given that I am writing from behind an alias. A digital mask, keeping anyone from knowing who I really am…hopefully. We keep secrets for several reasons. We want to protect somebody else or spare their feelings, we don’t want to be judged or labeled for our actions or mistakes, generally it all comes down to us not wanting to hurt somebody, whether it be someone else or ourselves.

I wish this was a world where we did not have to keep those secrets bottled up. Yes, I have had an eating disorder, tried killing myself twice, and had sex with a stranger almost twice my age a week after turning 18, but if I said those things in real life, people would judge me. People would tell me that I am a psychotic whore. But those were my secrets. Those were the things I had to keep bottled up for years and years. But I will say them now. I have a digital mask on anyways, so there are hardly as many consequences. Granted, should you find out who I really am in real life, then I will embrace the fact that I did those things, because those secrets or mistakes, they have made me stronger and smarter. Plus, that 30 year old was a total 10, so you know, another notch under my belt.

My sadness from being betrayed by friends repeatedly, regrets for having so an anti-social adolescence, these are all things that I would have written about if I had a diary. My dreams of opening a bakery, of finding true love, starting a family, again, all things I would have written about. Dear diary, you have become this blog. I continue to write about a world that would be ideal for me. A world where secrets did not have to be buried in a journal and pages. Where secrets just don’t exist. It is a naïve wish, but I would love to live in this open world of my feather-light dreams.

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