Whenever I’m about to embark on a new chapter in my life, I’m terrified. Mostly because I don’t know what to expect. I think it’s perfectly rational to be afraid of the things we don’t understand or anticipate. But the question is, why are we afraid? For me, I realized that it was just because of my imagination. My mind automatically defaults to the worst possible scenario and my fear exaggerates this: the end result is me being completely terrified and feeling insecure about my own abilities. The best solution I found was to embrace the transition, embrace the possibilities, and not be afraid. The worst case scenario can always be worse than wherever you end up. All you need is a chance, a slight window, to prove yourself. And once you can, then you can rise above the doubt and fear, and continue to grow into the person you want to be.
Even if your worst case scenario in that moment has been realized, it can be worse almost always; there will be exceptions, so no sassing me here. For me, my biggest fear was that my mentees would think of me as a failure. Two of them did, and it hurt a lot at first. But I got over it with time. And now I’m enjoying my life for the most part. I feared that my best friend would hate me in high school. And they did, but I managed to live through that and get past it as well. There will always be struggles and roadblocks in life. We can’t always go from point A to point B smoothly. A lot of the time, we have to take detours, and even more often, we never end up at the point B we expected to. And that is something I have had to accept more times than one.
Even if I do not end up where I expect to be, there’s no point in crying over it or being hung up and sad. Just move forward with the path you are on. And do not look back. I have feared being unemployed, I have feared failing classes, etc. In fourth grade, I got an F in history and I thought that it was the end of the world. But I managed to fight back, get a B in the next report card, and made right what was wrong. I hit rock bottom, and managed to bounce back. With my employment status, I wanted to get a management-in-training position. I thought that if I do not get that, I am a failure. But knowing my work ethic and capabilities, I do not need a fast track to get to where I need in my career. I just need to get hired, put my head down, and work my ass off.
I had lost so much sleep because of my fears and nightmares. I have been so scared to the point where I could not think correctly because of that sort of anxiety that comes with expectations and the need to fulfill them. But when it comes down to it, even if I do not meet expectations or if I fail somebody, it’s not the end of the world (for the most part, obviously exceptions exist). But for the most part, it really is not the end just because you hit the worst case scenario. Just learn how to move back up from there. If you hit rock bottom, can you really go lower? For me, after my second attempt at my life, people looked at me like I am some sort of freak. Like I needed to be locked away. But they do not know me. I know me. I know what I am capable of. And even if the rest of the world does not know that, that’s fine. The reality is, I have a future ahead of me and I will make the most of my present so that my future is better. And if my future sucks and goes to shit, then I will work my ass off and crawl out of the hole I fell into. I will accept my present and do what I can to make a brighter future. No matter how bad my nightmares are, my reality will always be better.