severance: realization 34

Even if you and a ex-friend never quite recover the relationship you once shared, there’s no reason to be sad, nor is there a reason to be angry. So long as both of you are happy with the lives you currently lead, then that is more important. This is something I just realized recently between a handful of things. The first was when I was watching an episode of The Actor’s Studio on Bravo, not really because I wanted to, but because it was on right before Top Chef. One of the actors said that sentimentalism is just undeserved happiness or emotion. What’s the point in dwelling in the past when the present deserves more of your attention? Secondly, I just saw my ex-mentee/roommate the other day. At an event where I was invited to. It was awkward, yes, but I saw that they were really happy (obviously not to see me, but in the midst of their friends). Seeing that, coupled with the fact that I was already gaining my own form of happiness, it made me realize how it is okay if I never recovery the friendship I lost with them.

Severance is a noun meaning the act of cutting off or ending a relationship. It sounds final, intense, and grim, but it does not need to be perceived that way. For me, I see it as an opportunity. When you are around the same people constantly, you form habits and norms. Your perspective is essentially stuck in the same way. But when you change the people you surround yourself with, how you see the world can change too. Currently, the company I have, they are all good people. Optimistic, kindhearted, selfless, considerate. The kind of people who helped me recover from my second suicide attempt. They helped me realize what kind of person I am: a hardworking, protective, and loving person who just wants others to be happy, while at the same time, an unforgivingly sassy pastry cook who does not have a filter. I am proud of who I am, flaws and everything, and I will not apologize for being me.

While yes, my ex-friend/mentee/roommate was a huge factor in my self-loathing behavior, a part of me still does care about them, because I am a naturally caring personality. That being said, seeing how happy they were, it made me feel relieved. It was reassuring to know that while I may have hurt them during my state of depression, that they recovered. Just seeing them happy, it does not matter to me if I am the cause of their happiness or the exact opposite of that. Knowing that they are no longer hurting makes me feel more inclined and able to move on with my own life. I no longer have to be weighed down with these thoughts of guilt, needing to justify how when I was depressed, I had no control over my actions. All of that can be finally placed behind me now. I do not care if my relationship with them ever mends.

As I am now, I already have a great group of friends. I know that I am already a very likable person. If I was not a likable person, I would not have so many friends or have made so many friends in just the past two months alone. People who see me as crazy or insane because of that previous suicide attempt are just people who have not met me or gotten to know me on a personal level. The people who can see past that and the ones who I value. The ones that understand how badly in pain I was, and do not treat me differently because of it, I appreciate greatly. The ones who do think I am psychotic, unnecessary for me to live a happy life. They will understand eventually how depression works, and then be more sympathetic or understanding. But I will not be there waiting for them. I will have already moved on with my life. Severance changes perspectives on not only you to others, but you to yourself. You can see the qualities that were previously forgot about in tunnel vision. You can continue to grow and blossom.

 

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