Subliminal Behavior and Bad Memories: realization

Something I’ve just realized is how subliminal thoughts can affect the way we act and react to things. And from that, I realized that those reactions, they can come off as passive aggressive, whether it is intentional or not. To add context to this situation, I will start with how as a child, I was bullied. A lot. Flash forward to when I am a 22 year old college graduate, and I am flirting with somebody who likes to sass people. I do not want to be the stick in the mud and stifle somebody else’s habits, so I try to play along with that. But then being sassed at, it spurred those subconscious bad memories of being teased as a child, and it caused me to become visibly uncomfortable, despite how hard I try to suppress that behavior or go along with being poked fun at in the present. And of course, that causes this domino effect of that person telling me that if I am offended, I should say it and not try to hold it against them. I did not realize how uncomfortable being sassed at made me, or more accurately, why being sassed at made me so uneasy, at least within the moment. And I am the type of person who does not want my past to interfere with my present.

These kinds of bad memories and experiences, they can really inhibit our outlooks on life, and close doors before we have a chance to explore certain things again. For me, I’m still trying to learn to be a good sport when somebody is playfully roasting me, because I am a grown adult and I should be able to take a joke; I know that their words are not of malicious intent, and I should not be this sensitive or put-off by something that should be funny. Yes, one could argue that these kinds of remarks could be rude or not-funny, but for me, I know the intention behind their statements, and they are not personally attacking me as a person, just maybe one or two quirks or funny habits of mine, so I know I should not be offended, hurt, or act like I am either of the above. Even though I am aware of this, my subliminal thoughts and bad memories just create this sort of rift between the me who knows better and the overweight, awkward kid who everyone would make an easy target out of.

I talk a lot about trying not to play the victim card, and that is why I’m constantly trying to overcome that hurdle of acting so sensitively when it comes to being made fun of. I do feel like this sort of behavior is justified in the face of knowing that the other party is not trying to bully me, bottom line. It is a tricky, tricky process, but I am trying to adjust myself to being sassed at, or at the least, being dealt with playful banter. I do not want to be this socially awkward monkey of a human being because I cannot take a joke, or because I am too busy being held back and caught up with my bad experiences from over 10 years ago… yeah, that’s actually just sinking in that it has been a full decade since anyone made fun of me for my weight. Tackling these subliminal thoughts, it is tricky, but subliminal thoughts are connected to your past experiences. Trying to go into things with the mentality of an observer helps a lot. Understanding that things are not intended as a personal attack on you, it softens the impact of any seemingly off-putting behavior.

It took me 22 years to realize this, but I need to continue looking forward. Being narrow-minded is only my past, and it will stay there. I refuse to make my idiotic upbringing the reason why I cannot move on with my life, make new memories and experiences, and forget about the bad ones entirely. Honestly, the main reason why I have not written a realization post is because for the most part, I have moved on with my life. I have new friends, new moments, and I have been enjoying my last days of college in full stride. I will continue to write in Featherlight regardless, because I enjoy doing it, and I know that this blog will always be here when I need to write in it, whether it is to overcome an emotional hurdle, or even occasionally share something special or fun in my life. I continue to find new ways to blur my past, heal my scars, and smile onwards, in my featherlight life.


New Series: How It Is

Sine I concluded Road Movie, I’ve been writing yet another new series, this one is called How It Is. The follows the lives of three friends, Timmy, Tarou, and Valerie, and the second semester of their freshman year in New York University. The story will target themes of discrimination, Asian-American culture, homophobia, prejudice, acceptance, and just drama in general. It will be a relatively intense story, and I am still in the process of writing it (as of this post, I have finished 18/25 chapters!). So stay tuned for that!