The saying “old habits die hard” really hits home with me from time to time. I notice an unusual cycle with my life, in recent years, where I go into a state of isolation, driven by butting heads with somebody I thought was a friend. As a result of cutting ties with somebody like that, I wind up giving off airs of confidence to hide my loneliness and anxiety, as well as regret and guilt for destroying a friendship. And when that emotional baggage becomes too much to bear, I crash. Depression hits like a train, and I unravel. I keep thinking that I can overcome this cycle, but it seems like I get caught into it as quickly as I get out of it. And I wonder to myself, am I really overcoming these bad habits, or just taking a break from them? When did this start happening to me? And why does it happen to me? I have to dig deep, and really think back when this started.
Elementary school. First grade to be exact. I had a group of people who I thought were my friends. They definitely weren’t. They used and abused me. And I had separation anxiety when they finally abandoned me. I wanted to fill that void. And I filled it with anger and rage. A desire to ruin these antagonizers’ lives. That really hijacked a huge portion of my early childhood, even stemming into parts of middle school, where I was able to prove my worth, and expose their lack of it. Then I hit a slight slump, where my life plateaued because my desire to push myself was no longer there. I just wanted to excel to spite those people who hurt me. And in senior year of high school, I wound up feeling this emptiness and regret, for being so unprogressive with my accomplishments, first and foremost, not realizing that what drove a majority of my desire to succeed was revenge. And that resulted in me fighting with yet another friend, who I was close to. And it set off another bout of anxiety and depression. And from that, it stemmed into a desire to thrive again. I wanted to prove to that ex-friend I am better off without their attention or their time, when in reality, I was trying to cope with that loss.
In college, I thrived yet again. People knew who I was, because I was so determined to put myself out there, and establish a reputation for being this capable, reliable, and well-liked personality. And yet, another fight happened between me and somebody I thought was a close friend, during my junior year. It was stressful, and I guess in a turn of events, I was angry before I was hurt. My rage allowed me to accomplish more, including a business minor, Dean’s list, and getting on board for four different student organizations. But then, the loneliness kicked in again. That sadness of knowing that I cut ties with somebody who I really thought was my friend. And that led to the very indecent that actually spurred me to starting writing in a blog, something I feel a bit tired thinking about. But ultimately, the cycle I have noticed is that I get into a rut, get hurt, then angry, then vengeful, which drives my successful, but once I achieve what it was that I set out to prove, I plateau, and feel lost and confused. That confusion gives birth to yet another rut, and from there, I question if my entire life will be built upon disproving horrible people and working off my rage and frustration.
What I realize about this entire, horrible cycle that I have lived my near 24 years of life around is that there are a ton of awful people out there. And that is what this world is. A bunch of scumbags, but amongst there, genuine gems of human beings. People who do care, who will sacrifice, and go out of their way for those that they care about. And the people who manipulate, use, and hurt others. Something I still have yet to fully learn is how to ignore the latter in my quest to fill my life with the former. How to not let those fake, two-faced, abusive, or toxic personalties affect me to the degree that they do. How to achieve things not to escape from a problem or to spite somebody and prove that they were morons or idiots for doubting me. While yes, realization is one key step, the next important step is to practice what I preach. To sound out the baggage and to not allow it to define me anymore. While it is hard, it is necessary to make that progression and to burn the bridges that enable my regression. I will need to do that, to live my feather-light life.