learning where to draw the line: realization

Something I wonder is if somebody’s actions are genuinely as reprehensible as I feel they are. The context is that during my senior year in college, I was “friends” with a girl, who I willy just name Holly, to hide her real name. Holly and I were not terribly close, but she often hung out with my roommate at the time, and because of that, I would basically see her every day, and we would talk often; she was transferring into the same major as me, so I wanted to help prepare her and let her know what to expect. But I got the vibe that she was not even interested in hearing that. She just wanted to get into my roommate’s pants. And then, of course, the whole incident between me and my roommate happened. Surprisingly, Holly was one of the few people who actually tried to find me when I attempted to jump into the ocean. But she did not say a word when she did find me. She stared at me, with these eyes that I could not discern if they were filled with judgement or worry. Shortly after the incident, she went on to date my roommate.

This is where the situation got awkward for me. On one hand, I appreciate the fact that Holly cared enough about me to come find me, especially when she did not have to. However, knowing that she would date somebody, knowing that the person she had feelings for was capable of doing that to another human being, that to me screamed out very bad judgement of character. And on top of that, most of my subsequent encounters with Holly were simply just her giving me these long, silent looks when she would see me on campus. As if I did not deserve to be in school, but rather, shipped off to some institution. It was a lot of passive aggressive treatment. It went from her liking all of my posts on social media to her judging me. Clearly not understanding or willing to hear my side of the story in any of this, as she thought that I was this bad person, and that she was doing my ex-roommate a favor by dating them, as if doing so was part of their healing process. To me, it was obvious bullshit, for a lack of better words. She wanted to date my roommate from the get-go. I saw through it, and even when I was still friendly with my ex-roommate prior to the incident, I expressed support for their relationship. But that was before the incident, and before I realized what kind of heartless human being that I was living with.

Things took a turn for further awkward, because first off, I graduated. So I went about my post-student life as a working adult. I kept Holly on Instagram just because she was not terribly active on it anymore. But then in January of 2018, she started posting pictures. Of her in the hometown of my ex-roommate. I was obviously triggered and without a second thought, I un-followed her from social media. Now, it might all seem trivial now, and even as I am typing this, I am actually laughing because it sounds so silly. But in that moment, I felt that same anxiety, because I was being reminded of a person and a specific incident I was trying to forget about. And seeing her dating that person, it was very unsettling for me. All I could think was that Holly was a moron for rewarding somebody so undeserving of her company with her love, attention, and affection. It was not necessarily jealousy, but rather, frustration because my ex-roommate was milking being a victim of a situation that they had a huge part in escalating just to date her. And she was buying into that, and drinking the Kool-aide. But after the un-follow, I started to forget about them again, since I had no further contact.

That was until I visited my college town again to catch up with friends, and to my huge annoyance, Holly’s relationship was brought up, yet again. Like I really needed to hear about it. Full sarcasm intended there. They broke up. Which would be good for her, because the ex-roommate turned ex-partner for her was honestly a coward and a troublemaker anyways. However, it made my relationship with her awkward. I wonder if she did wrong in the first place by dating her, and if this was an action that even needed my forgiveness to rectify, or if I have a right, as somebody who was wrongfully attacked and misbranded by her ex, to not like her as a person, because she chose to date them after what transpired. It is one of those complicated situations, where I wonder if, since they are no longer dating, if I should continue to think of Holly as somebody who supports bullying and immature behavior, or just let bygones be bygones and not let the past affect the fact that she is somebody who cared enough about me to look for me when I was in a dark place, despite her body language telling me that her intentions were for my interest, but rather, to look good and impress somebody else. For now, I continue to keep my distance, not to run away, but rather, because Holly lives in a completely different time zone than I do, and she is just a character of a very twisted part of my past. Either way, the line I drew was to cut her off, which is what she did when she chose to date a bully. So I have to live with that choice for now, as that acceptance is a part of my feather light life.







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