While she liked the attention, Farina did not want to interact with anybody at all at this point. Taking another swig from the whiskey bottle, she could feel a sour aftertaste bubbling in the back of her throat, following the burn warming her up from the inside. Getting up from the first time in a while from her couch, Farina ran over to the toilet and crouch over the bowl. Coughing after she wiped her face, the girl looked outside. It was dark. “What time is it?” She groaned, looking around dizzily for a clock. Staggering a little, she finally saw the light blue LED numbers from her microwave looking back at her. 02:00. Groaning, she made her way back to her bed. She was still feeling horrible. She let herself be used by a man yet again. Four years later, and still making the same exact mistakes as a dumb teenager. How could she be so stupid? How did she manage to fall into old habits like that again? It was embarrassing. Face planting in her mattress, she lazily rolled herself into her sheets. What was she doing with her life? She felt like she was in a giant cycle that she could not break. Being mistreated by men, feeling objectified, unfulfilled, unaccomplished, all of her insecurities were coming back out from when she was with Joseph. Just thinking about his name just made her sick to her stomach. She used acting to get past him, but where was she now as an actress? Nowhere. She was about to finish her time in college with a degree in theatre arts, but she’s accomplished nothing in that field. She spent more time just being a student, and modeling, something she wanted to prove that she was more than capable of doing. Quietly sobbing to herself, she could not get over her brimming sense of defeat and regret.
“Hey, open up!” There was a loud banging on her door. It was Olivia’s voice on the other side. Stirring and groaning, Farina looked up. Was it the next day? Or the next week? Farina had not left her apartment in a while. The last time was to restock on alcohol. “Farina, it’s been weeks since you’ve been to class.” She called, a fraying patience in her tone. “We all know a break up is tough, but you need to get it together. You’re better than this!” She stressed, but to no avail. Farina was not ready to listen to anyone. She was still shellshocked about her repeating her mistakes. It made her feel like four years was wasted all on another relationship. How could she so stupid? Farina was just thinking about all of the things that things that Jamie told her during their relationship. How she was so beautiful, how he was grateful to be dating somebody like her. What did he even mean by that? The more she thought about it, it sounded like he was only interested in her for her looks. He rarely ever complimented her on her intelligence, or her aspirations or dreams. In fact, did he even ask her about that? Hardly, from what she recalled. The more she reflected on Jamie and what she liked about him, she started to really question if that level of appreciation and attraction was reciprocated, or was it just skin deep? She liked him for being different from Joseph, being a confident, self-made, successful man, but humble about the fact that he did everything on his own. But what about her appealed to him again? The fact that she was quiet, not-rowdy, and pretty? The fact that she was well-off enough that she did not need to be a gold-digger? The more she dug into it, the less happy she was with herself for falling for this man. He clearly did not care about her. The way he lashed out, and objectified her, it was becoming increasingly more apparent. And it was upsetting her deeply. She did not want to be a model just to be somebody’s accessory. She wanted to be an actress so that she can leave a genuine impression on others with her work.
Looking at herself in the mirror, Farina scoffed at her own appearance. “You’re such an ugly, dumb bitch.” She glared at herself angrily. Looking at the scale, she saw no reason to get on it. She knew her weight like the back of her hand. She weighed a respectable 45 kilos, which, given her height, that was perfectly normal. Looking back at her reflection, she was unhappy. Her skin was an off-yellow color, her eyes were bloodshot, her hair was a frazzled mess. But that was not what she was upset about. She hated looking at her face. It looked so pitiful, but at the same time, she did not deserve to be pitied. She brought every ounce of suffering and humiliation upon herself. There was no reason for anyone to ever feel bad or sorry for her in this situation. She dated Jamie, and got into a relationship, despite not seeing any deep or meaningful depth to his attraction to her. She just wanted the attention and affection, because it had been years since she had received that from anyone, while fostering a mutual interest in that person. She was hoping he would be different than the other boys because of the fact that he looked different and came from such a unique background compared to the spoiled and entitled trust fund babies that were always hitting on her. Sighing to herself, she was just annoyed. No matter how many times she played their relationship through her head, she could not seem to understand why she said yes to him. Why did she think he would be any different? All men seemed to treat her the same way. Even her own father would tell her that no man likes a fat girl, which was why she was always watching her weight. Where did that get her? Dating two misogynistic assholes who felt like she was only just a body to hug and kiss. Mustering up what bizarre distorted form of courage she had, she got on top of the scale. And frowned immediately. She weighed 35 kilos. Just how long did she go with no nourishment? That was an entire 15 kilos less than she was the last time she weighed herself.
Looking at her door, Farina noticed that the bottom of it was stuffed with papers and letters. And amongst them was one with the school’s emblem and a giant red stamp with the words “Please open at once”. Following the letter’s request, she groaned. It was a warning for missing a week of class. “Missing more than four weeks of class will put you on academic probation.” It read. And it was dated on the 12th. Looking at her phone, she dropped it, panicking. It was the 13th. Of the following month. That was more than four weeks. Rummaging through the other letters and papers wedged into her door, which included notes taken by Olivia and Patricia from their classes, as well as several other letters with the same red stamps. “No, no, no!” She gasped, ripping each one open, reading through them and comparing the dates. She finally saw one letter that confirmed her fears. She was indeed put on academic probation. What even does that mean? Besides knowing that it was bad, she really did not have a clue. But she knew that her parents would not be happy. And rightfully so. This was bad no matter how you looked at it. The letter stated that it was two and a half months into the semester, and Farina had not attended in almost eight weeks, so they had no option but to probate her. A sense of panic creeped over her as she had no idea what to do. All she could think of right now was that she might actually have nothing left to her name. She worked hard to pursue a career in acting, and her chances at becoming a famous actress might go up in flames after all. She had no idea if being on probation meant that she could even attend school again. All that she did know was that she would be fighting one hell of an uphill battle against all of this.