Sensitivity: realization

I always had this issue in life where I would take things too personally. Little comments, remarks, small gestures, they would have such a huge subliminal impact on me to the point where it would bother me for ages. Sometimes I would act on it, albeit overreact and give people the rise they may or may not be wanting, or I would used to shelve it, and it become a massive mess when I would go volcanic. Instead of shelving any pain, I have been just trying to get it out of my system by exercising, and learning not to take things so personally. Rather than seeing anything as a personal attack on me as a person, I just try to understand where they are coming from, what their intentions are, and what I did to affect them to cause such behavior, or if their attitude was just normal to begin with, and I was misinterpreting their actions.

Half the time I get hurt or affected by the behavior of others, it is because something is stressing me out already, such as getting a job, family or friends-related issues, for example. I am already at a vulnerable state at that point, so little things would just get under my skin easily. I would always get so bothered to the point where I would not stop thinking about comments or remarks that irked me, and I would even lose sleep over how angry or annoyed I would get. It was not a pleasant habit, in the slightest. This kind of toxic, grudge-forming behavior is what caused a lot of problems for me in the past. I would burn so many bridges and be outcasted by so many people because I would get so easily hurt and would push other people away so quickly.

Unfortunately, that sensitivity had stages. The second paragraph described stage 1 of my toxically sensitive behavior. The second phase, it would get worse. I would not stop being affected by the fact that I pushed people away. That sort of guilt, it really does eat away at you. I would feel more remorse than you could imagine over hurting people like that, and it quickly turns to self-resentment. And I’m sure I’ve written enough about that to the point where it is guessable where self-resentment would eventually turn to. Like I said, sensitivity to that extreme, it is a vicious cycle that I have been trapped in for two occasions of my life already. At that point in time, I thought that I couldn’t really do anything about it, but that’s not the case. There is a way to break out of the cycle.

Distract yourself from these things by not thinking about them, but rather, focusing on things that you enjoy doing once you cannot do anything more in pursuit of your goals. Do not let the little things and thoughts bother you. Don’t read to deep into things, and try to excavate hidden meanings beyond what is actually there. Some might call it a naive way of living, but I call it building up a wall of indifference so that you have the space and time to grow thicker skin to these kinds of comments and remarks. I genuinely can’t stress enough how important it is to not take things to heart so often. When you do, it opens you up to that vulnerability, and if you are an overtly sensitive person to begin with, it will only end with you taking everything too personally and getting offended quite easily. Learning to relax, let go, and not get offended, that’s what it means to live a featherlight life.



ending this vicious cycle: realization 38

People who are dicks are generally being harassed by dicks themselves or are just frustrated about things out of their control and their anger manifests in the form of rude behavior. I speak from being in both positions and being attacked by people in both scenarios. We are always told in elementary school through high school how bullying is a vicious cycle. That statement is absolutely true. But what we are not typically told is why people bully. In my last post, I spoke about insecurity. Insecurity causes people to act out in different ways, and in a lot of cases, they can act aggressively and offensively. It is a domino effect, that behavior. When people get lashed out at, then they will find others in a weaker position to impose their own insecurities on. And it continues like that. Until somebody is emotionally or mentally strong enough to stop the behavior.

When I was working for a chef with Alzheimer’s, I was stuck in a very difficult position. He would yell at me for things I did not do, telling me that I needed to stop burning things; I ran the salad station. I could not have burnt anything because there were no hot components in any of the salads. It got frustrating when he told me to get passionate and stop burning things. It was hard for me to get passionate when my own boss was yelling at me for things I did not do, telling me that I was terrible, expendable, replaceable. And for me, loving food so much, and cooking being my own personal escape from life, it became difficult because my stress and my stress-reliever were the same thing. I was miserable and depressed to the point where I wanted to press my chef knives into my wrists. The sight of my knives made me scared. And when I was that emotionally unstable, I got verbally abusive to a lot of people who I cared about. Somebody who I saw as a little sibling figure, who I cared for like my own family, who I wanted to protect, somebody I made countless sacrifices for, I hurt them badly. I had so little control over my own self that I let the cycle continue. I was not strong enough to stop it.

Onto the topic of sacrifices. You should never make them for other people with the expectation that they will be appreciated or reciprocated. Doing that will just set you up for disappointment. Only make sacrifices when you know you will not get anything in return. That is one reason why me trying to protect somebody caused the abusive cycle to continue. My sacrifices, I felt like they were not being valued, and it caused me to get more aggressive. Stop making sacrifices for other people. Only do things that will make you, and you alone, a better, stronger person. If you do not love yourself, then you are in no position to love others. And you must make sure that you love yourself more than you love anybody else. You need to put yourself first and become a confident person who will not hurt others. Make yourself somebody you are proud of. I have made the mistake of making sacrifices for others and it made me feel like a complete idiot.

Now you might be thinking that I went off on a tangent and that I lost sight of the topic of this post. If you think that, then you are 100% wrong. The reason why you need to focus on yourself is that it will help you in stopping that vicious cycle. Being strong stems from loving yourself. Make your strength come from within, not from other people. By loving yourself and being genuinely confident with who you are, you can ward off the abuse. By being this capable, independent, and emotionally content person, you can rise above the bullies and the abusive attitude. You can end the vicious cycle by being better than it. Abuse comes from a multitude of factors, and from my experience, insecurity was one of them. But being strong and loving yourself are the two best weapons to combat the abuse. Love yourself, and the abuse goes away. Be happy in your own skin, and you can inspire others to do the same. Let’s end this vicious cycle.