Walking along the rugged path, a tall, tanned youth frowned to himself. He had left behind his home to find a cure for his beloved, who was lost to the cold. It was up to him to embark on this journey. He had to find those elusive smoke lilies. Those purple and black flowers held a nectar that, when mixed with ginger root, should melt his prince’s locked heart. These lilies bloomed at the very bottom of the mountains; beneath the mist rested entire fields of them. His prince, the youth dreamt of ending his ailment.His sweet master used to be so kind and loving. But then it happened. The mist began to flood the mountains, in the midst laid their castle. Their paradise together, away from the world beyond. The benevolent boy was saddened.His tears had caused everything to be shrouded in the dark clouds. THe prince’s heart then fell into the coldness. Snow crept onto their kingdom, their haven, slowly draining life from all of its denizens. The youth had to flee, not only to survive, but to find those smoke lilies. Diving through the mist, he was determined to save his home. His prince was waiting, alone and scared. He was separate to remove the snow. He pushed himself forward, through the dark and cold, reaching for any hope. He wanted so badly to hold his prince in a tight embrace. Not as his knight, but as his beloved.
He sat alone, gazing into the dark ocean. The waves gently combed the sands, pulling the shells and kelp further and further away from the surface. He was watching the silvery full moon slowly sink back beneath the black horizon. After he had wronged the prince of the sky, he could no longer stay in one place. He was a foolish man, thinking he could trump the monarch in a challenge of strength. To think he could defeat a demigod was naive. He hoped to impress one of the prince’s subjects, a priestess by the name of Dalila. Her laughter and smile, he sought after them. Her kind heart, it tempted him beyond his own logic. Was it love he felt for her? No. It was lust. Idiotic, adolescent, animalistic urges he should have cast aside. As a priestess, she could not part with her deity. She was a part of his dominion. The prince of the sky, fathered by the sun himself. Between the two, they owned all of the world’s light. He was forced to be a denizen of the darkness. Wherever the sun was, he had to avoid. A heliophobe, living a life of constant peril and fear. Should he bathe in those rays of light, they would pierce through him, slowly unraveling his very existence. He could not be with the people whose company he yearned for. To want, a luxury for somebody like him. His entire purpose in life was to constantly hide. What was bravery? What was courage? All of these concepts did not matter now. He had no use for them. To survive, he had to continue running. Hiding beneath the moon’s gentle light. Seeing the moon finally grazing the horizon, the young man got up, and glided along with the fleeing darkness. He had to follow the night, for his own survival.
This post is a test of my sanity and happiness. Just writing about my inner darkness is a trigger for my anxiety and fears. That photo was taken right before I tried to jump into the 0 degree F ocean. But if I can overcome that fear and write about it, then I’ll just come out of this stress that much stronger.
My biggest fears include being left behind, dying without a sense of purpose, and the darkest would be growing old alone and being left behind and completely forgotten by my friends. That one really scares me.
When I’m in this state of darkness, reason doesn’t exist to me. I felt alone, scared, worthless. I feel like nobody else understands this uncertainty and numbing fear I am experiencing, and that just pushes them away.
The biggest challenges in overcoming that are: properly communicating how I’m feeling so that people understand why I need help, and taking this feeling of loneliness and turning it into something positive. I need to make sure that, even though I’m alone, that I can take this as an opportunity to make new friends or focus on myself.
You can take these dark moments in your life, and find ways to embrace them. See them as challenges to overcome to make you stronger. Being afraid and being nervous are understandable. Trust me, I know the feeling all too well, and talking from retrospect, I wish I could have seen my situation in that light. Unfortunately, if you do succumb and you make irreversible mistakes, just learn from those and find new ways to move on. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. You just need to find it first.