romanced: dream

A majority of us are raised in a society where we go to school, get a job, get married, have a family, and then our children continue that cycle. Where I am at currently in my life is post-going to school, but pre-getting a job or I am even further away from getting married; I have very little experience with relationships and romance in general. I only recently had my first relationship, and we agreed that the title was too… intense, and that we would prefer to stay as friends who date exclusively first, as we get to know each other better.

I am embarrassed to admit that I would actually want to be in a relationship. Not for the sake of being in one so that I am not single or to check part of another box off the unspoken to-do list of life, but more for the life experience that comes from it. Even if this relationship does not lead to marriage but rather ends sourly in a break-up, I don’t mind so long as I can learn something more about myself from the experience. Just being a part of the ride is enough to make me happy. To understand what it means to be somebody else’s significant other, while at the same time, being able to see a person as my own, it is important for me. I want to know that somebody out there who can make me feel and act that way exists.

The concept of love and relationships, it’s not something that can be approached logically. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why we as humans are always so fascinated by the idea. No matter what we try to find in somebody else as a mate, sometimes, our hearts may not always agree. Let’s say we want somebody who is tall, Caucasian, and muscular, but we end up in a relationship with somebody who is medium-height, African American, and scrawny. Yet, we are not un-attracted to the African American, despite them being not what we would prefer. And that is because of what they have to offer beneath the surface. While they do not physically resemble what we would want in an ideal mate, the personality and ethics of this African American appeals to us.

The concept of love has a lot of gray areas. For example, one might view a woman getting hit by her husband as domestic violence without any context. But what if the woman wanted her husband to hit her, because that was her kink? I’m not going to explore that idea more, because it is a very…awkward topic, but you get the idea. There are other emotions, primal, hormonal, and hard to understand in general, that cloud our judgement and make us act beyond reason and logic. Yet, that’s what makes being romanced such an exciting and terrifying journey. The unknown does not necessarily settle well with me, but being able to single out that special somebody out of the several millions of people in the world, it’s a wonderful feeling. And it’s a feeling that every human being deserves to have, or at least in the world of my featherlight dreams.

Magic: dream 22

If you expected this post to be about a world of magical unicorns and Harry Potter-related topics, then go away. This is more of a post dedicated to the MysterySkulls’ song, Magic. It’s this upbeat, jazzy, almost Michael Jackson-esque song about falling in love and never giving up. Which, now that I am describing it, sounds really creepy. Like watches-you-when-you-use-the-bathroom creepy. Whoops, I just ruined one of my favorite songs. It’s not the first time this has happened. My friend ruined Love Myself by Hailee Steinfeld by redubbing it “Rub Myself” and making it about masturbation. Yeah, I’m going to stop talking about ruining good music now. That will be done in the rest of this entire post. I am about to tell a story that gave one of my favorite songs a very awkward connotation.

So going back to the song Magic. It was my summer 2016 jam. Well, that and Love Myself. Both of the songs just give me fond memories of when I was an intern in Washington D.C., and how much I was looking forward to my final year in college. And both also remind me of a very… interesting incident that happened to me during that summer. So going back even before summer 2016, my friend, who we shall call Rose, and I, we had this thing called the “Monthly Bitch-Out” where we would go to some restaurant, far, far away from our campus, get buzzed, and rant about whatever shit we were bothered by, no-consequences. It was great, because I had a lot of shit I was subjected to as a secretary to a dysfunctional culture club at the time. But one of those things Rose mentioned was her friend, who we shall call Alex for the sake of gender neutrality. Rose complained a lot about how Alex was single and available, but me being the poor drunk I was, just told her that this was our time to talk about ourselves and that Alex can fuck off. I was too tipsy to realize Rose might have been trying to set us up by gauging my interest. Whoops. And then flash forward a couple months, back to summer 2016, and guess who I accidentally sent a friend request to on FaceBook? I did not mean to send it, nor did I realize who I sent it to at first. Until I scrolled through Alex’s photos and saw photos with Rose, and then realized who this person was. So I quickly un-sent the request, only to receive one from Alex. And I felt like I needed to accept it, because I already un-sent mine. Fuck me.

So that long-ass story basically set me up with this awkward expectation that I would meet Alex, and that we could possibly start dating? Yeah, I know. This was a low-point for me. Going back to my whole obsession with being in control and anticipating any situation, I started to fantasize. A lot. THIS IS EMBARRASSING TO WRITE ABOUT…. Okay, powering through the blood flushing to my face right now. I thought about how I could be this power couple with Alex, because we were both really well-accomplish and established people within our college. Alex was a biology and business double major with a minor in dentistry; they were a pre-dental and pre-law student and in multiple organizations, including the business fraternity Alpha Kappa Psi. I am an accounting and Food and Beverage double concentrate with a minor in business, and I was a president, vice president, secretary, and treasurer in four different clubs at that time. I thought it was cute that in the long run, I could give people cavities with my desserts, and then Alex could fix up their teeth. So naturally, me, not having had romantic feelings for anything since the 9th grade, started to really think about being in a relationship with Alex. It got bad.

To this day, I still have not met Alex in real life. Not that I am complaining. If I had met Alex when I was still obsessing over that possibility of us dating, I probably would have lost it. Right now, as I am, I don’t really care as much about being in a relationship. Those sorts of feelings, they should not have been repressed, but rather, not had to begin with. I had not met Alex, so why was I so set on being in a relationship? I know I’m desirable to some extent, so I should not settle on a complete stranger, but rather, I will find my significant other, by being at the right place at the right time. Hasn’t happened yet, nor will I wait on that happening. I’d rather just live my life first. While the song Magic makes me incredibly happy, it still reminds me of that awkward moment when I basically was like a high school fangirl who couldn’t control her hormones over a complete stranger who I have not even met. It makes me smile…and laugh at myself. I still can’t believe after all these years, the possibility of dating somebody could have gotten me this riled up. It just goes to show that I am a human being, and that I have emotions and urges. Yuck. I don’t know if there is any real lesson here, or if any of this has to do with my ideal world. I guess in an ideal world, we can know what to expect out of our lives romantically? That way I would not have set myself up with the expectation that I was going to get into a relationship with basically a complete stranger. There we go. Let’s leave this post at that!

Honesty: dream 14

I wish there was a world where we could just speak our minds, and not be reprimanded or hurt others. I wish we could communicate what we are thinking about without fearing how other people would react. Why is it that we cannot be free to do that? Why can’t I say to let’s say, a hypothetical employer if I don’t appreciate the way they treat me, and not be fired for it? Hierarchy, stress, perception, logic, all needed for this world to function. Also all reasons why we cannot just speak from the heart all the time.

Going back to the employer example. I actually had a boss, a sous-chef, who told me that I was shit and that I should just leave his kitchen. Now, had he not been my boss, it would have been very easy to tell him that he was being rude, condescending, and not at all encouraging. Obviously, I’m a human being, so if I was speaking from the heart, I would have said that with a lot more cuss words, but it would have been to that general effect. In this case, hierarchy protected him from me being able to speak my mind; fun fact, I quit the next day, because I just preferred to not deal with him at all. That was the passive aggressive way to approach the situation: running away. It still goes to show, I acted in my own complete detriment, and could not be honest in the way I acted. I should have at the least spoken to him, one on one, telling him how his words hurt me, and that I would try harder in the future.

As somebody who has been hurt by another’s perceptions and truths, I can speak to how I wish those words could have not hurt me. That I could understand their fear, uncertainty, appreciate their bravery for saying the truth to me, rather than just get immediately hurt and retaliating. That sort of defensiveness, I wish I could just rid myself of it. I am embarrassed to have these sort of sensitive emotions, because they hinder my ability to act maturely and rationally in the face of confrontation. Ironically, I can take constructive criticism, and I don’t understand why. Then again, this post is a dream, not a realization, so let’s not get into that. This post is meant to talk about why I want everyone, including myself, to be honest.

If hierarchy and feelings, as well as the fear of hurting somebody, did not exist, being honest would be so easy to do. Objectivity with honesty is probably the only way everyone in the world can take each other’s honest opinions. Honesty itself, it’s subjective, based on perspective rather than the entire truth. The entire truth, it’s something that we as an entire race would need to agree on. Regardless, I wish we could all learn to accept and appreciate each other’s honest opinions, not taking offense immediately, and not feeling burdened by the fear or guilt of potentially hurting somebody (obvious exceptions being if the words being used are intentionally hurtful, in which case, fuck off). That kind of world is a place I dream to live in. It’s a place I drift off to, in my feather-light dreams.