´╗┐romanced: dream

A majority of us are raised in a society where we go to school, get a job, get married, have a family, and then our children continue that cycle. Where I am at currently in my life is post-going to school, but pre-getting a job or I am even further away from getting married; I have very little experience with relationships and romance in general. I only recently had my first relationship, and we agreed that the title was too… intense, and that we would prefer to stay as friends who date exclusively first, as we get to know each other better.

I am embarrassed to admit that I would actually want to be in a relationship. Not for the sake of being in one so that I am not single or to check part of another box off the unspoken to-do list of life, but more for the life experience that comes from it. Even if this relationship does not lead to marriage but rather ends sourly in a break-up, I don’t mind so long as I can learn something more about myself from the experience. Just being a part of the ride is enough to make me happy. To understand what it means to be somebody else’s significant other, while at the same time, being able to see a person as my own, it is important for me. I want to know that somebody out there who can make me feel and act that way exists.

The concept of love and relationships, it’s not something that can be approached logically. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why we as humans are always so fascinated by the idea. No matter what we try to find in somebody else as a mate, sometimes, our hearts may not always agree. Let’s say we want somebody who is tall, Caucasian, and muscular, but we end up in a relationship with somebody who is medium-height, African American, and scrawny. Yet, we are not un-attracted to the African American, despite them being not what we would prefer. And that is because of what they have to offer beneath the surface. While they do not physically resemble what we would want in an ideal mate, the personality and ethics of this African American appeals to us.

The concept of love has a lot of gray areas. For example, one might view a woman getting hit by her husband as domestic violence without any context. But what if the woman wanted her husband to hit her, because that was her kink? I’m not going to explore that idea more, because it is a very…awkward topic, but you get the idea. There are other emotions, primal, hormonal, and hard to understand in general, that cloud our judgement and make us act beyond reason and logic. Yet, that’s what makes being romanced such an exciting and terrifying journey. The unknown does not necessarily settle well with me, but being able to single out that special somebody out of the several millions of people in the world, it’s a wonderful feeling. And it’s a feeling that every human being deserves to have, or at least in the world of my featherlight dreams.

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Chemistry: realization 21

This is not referring to the science of mixing chemicals. I am not nearly intelligent enough to cover that topic with any stretch confidence. I am referring to the interactions of personalities and how people can get along based on interests, similar values, that sort of jazz. In my last post, I spoke about Scarlet, a girl who I thought was my friend, but she really ended up just trying to use me and our mutual friend Maureen as emotional punching bags for whatever it was that she was going through. In my relationship with Scarlet, it felt very forced, unatural, and uncomfortable. You could sense that we were both just tolerating each other and not actually enjoying the experience. That is a strong example of bad chemistry.

However, if there is a such thing as bad chemistry, then good chemistry exists as well. In high school, I befriended a girl who we will refer to as Erin, who was upbeat, hardworking, and loved desserts as much as I did. We became really close and are still in contact after all of these years. We trust each other, and while we don’t have to see each other every day, we still support each other, even from different time zones. I can confidently say that Erin is my best friend from high school because she was there for me when I really needed somebody after my first suicide attempt, and I was there for Erin when she needed somebody during her beginning years of college when she decided to quit being a Mormon despite the risks of her family potentially disowning her — it’s similar to being a closeted homosexual with extremely religious parents.  That was a case of good chemistry, just because we were able to get stronger together.

Another example would be with my best friend in college, who I will dub Kitty. Our friendship just happened when I missed the bus to a conference that we were both supposed to go to, and she messaged me on FaceBook, initially asking me where I was, and when I told her I couldn’t make the conference, we still kept talking throughout that weekend of that conference, despite us not both being there, and became close ever since. Kitty and I just functioned on the same wavelength. We found the same things funny, and our personalities really builded off of each other. Whenever we had classes together, we would typically goof off, but still somehow pass the class with good grades. I do not question how. Being around Kitty would put the goofiest smile of my face, because I knew I was in for a hilarious time with her. That is probably as natural as good chemistry gets. We did not need to undergo traumatic events together, well at least not to the same extreme Erin and I had to — we did have to take a cooking class with a teammate who was horrendous at cooking, but that was really it, to become good friends.

Chemistry can’t be forced. It needs to be natural. Trying to make chemistry when there is none, it will only end in one person feeling emotionally drained and the other probably feeling really creeped out. Think about in Tina Fey’s Mean Girls, where Janice Ian and Regina George had their argument in middle school, where Regina felt that Janice was obsessed with her. Janice was trying to force chemistry and Regina did not take well to that. Now obviously, Regina George is not necessarily the best person to sympathize, it still brings up a point that trying to make a relationship happen does not end well. People grow apart, but that’s fine, because they will grow and warm up to others who are more likeminded. That’s just how the human race works. We constantly grow and change, and we meet people who are better suited to us. Just knowing that this is the case, and not getting too hurt or bothered by that, it is key to living a feather-light life.