Healing: dream

Being able to recover from something and move on, it’s a wonderful feeling. The healing process is a vital part in us maturing as human beings. A lot of it starts with forgetting about what it is that hurt us to begin with, specifically that pain. Yet, you still need to keep the lesson learned from whatever hurt you in mind. It could be that certain people are not good people, or be less naive, but whatever the lesson is, know what needs to be learned. Secondly, while keeping that newly learned moral in the back of your head, move on with your life. It might mean cutting off old parts of your life, but you need to do it, or else you could very easily revert to old, harmful habits that could cause you a lot of pain and possibly, cause you to revert to self-inflicting tendencies. That is the biggest emotional hurdle in the healing process is cutting off the past and forgetting about it.

The next part of the healing process is filling your life with new things to replace the old. They don’t have to be similar things. Preferably, they shouldn’t be similar things. Anything that reminds you of your past pain, that’s just asking to be triggered. Being able to do that, it also helps you forget the past a lot easier. You’re able to let go and not think about whatever horrible influences have hurt you. And while cutting off is the biggest challenge emotionally, this part is the most difficult part mentally is putting the past behind you. You are probably used to a certain routine, and you want to revert to it. You probably wouldn’t want to include new things into your life and you yearn for the past. Very few people are naturally good at adapting to and accepting change. And that’s to be expected. We can’t all just be okay to uprooting our daily routines. But being able to accept the change, even in small steps, it helps.

By allowing these new influences into your life, you can expel a lot of the negative emotions that have been burdening you earlier. You stop thinking about those dark thoughts, or about the causes of them. Instead, every day becomes a new opportunity for you to discovery something new about yourself or the world around you. You start to find yourself smiling a lot more, and while you know that this world is a little less wonderful than you remember it being, the parts that are genuinely wonderful that you discover makes that journey worthwhile. Being able to see the good in the world, it’s refreshing. Whether it’s new people, new hobbies, new places, you’ll surprise yourself with how much this world has to offer, despite whatever it was that hurt you in the first place. You stop thinking about the guilt, the pain, the trauma, and it helps you focus on future and what you can do as an individual to make the most of yours.

Being able to completely cast your past behind, it’s not easy. Those wounds from your trauma, they do become scars, but with time, you will forget what exactly gave you those scars exactly, but you will still vaguely remember how you got them, and what you can do to prevent yourself from falling into the same mistake again. The world will no longer feel like a cage or trap confining you, and it will open itself up to you. You are no longer being held down or back by those negative influences and burdens. Instead, you can focus on making the person you see in the mirror somebody you can love more and more. And once you reach that point of loving yourself, don’t stop there. Find new things about the world, and figure out what new things you love as well, and how you can work towards incorporating that newfound passion or interest into your life. With healing, you gain depth and character and that’s a life worth living in this featherlight world.

Magic: dream 22

If you expected this post to be about a world of magical unicorns and Harry Potter-related topics, then go away. This is more of a post dedicated to the MysterySkulls’ song, Magic. It’s this upbeat, jazzy, almost Michael Jackson-esque song about falling in love and never giving up. Which, now that I am describing it, sounds really creepy. Like watches-you-when-you-use-the-bathroom creepy. Whoops, I just ruined one of my favorite songs. It’s not the first time this has happened. My friend ruined Love Myself by Hailee Steinfeld by redubbing it “Rub Myself” and making it about masturbation. Yeah, I’m going to stop talking about ruining good music now. That will be done in the rest of this entire post. I am about to tell a story that gave one of my favorite songs a very awkward connotation.

So going back to the song Magic. It was my summer 2016 jam. Well, that and Love Myself. Both of the songs just give me fond memories of when I was an intern in Washington D.C., and how much I was looking forward to my final year in college. And both also remind me of a very… interesting incident that happened to me during that summer. So going back even before summer 2016, my friend, who we shall call Rose, and I, we had this thing called the “Monthly Bitch-Out” where we would go to some restaurant, far, far away from our campus, get buzzed, and rant about whatever shit we were bothered by, no-consequences. It was great, because I had a lot of shit I was subjected to as a secretary to a dysfunctional culture club at the time. But one of those things Rose mentioned was her friend, who we shall call Alex for the sake of gender neutrality. Rose complained a lot about how Alex was single and available, but me being the poor drunk I was, just told her that this was our time to talk about ourselves and that Alex can fuck off. I was too tipsy to realize Rose might have been trying to set us up by gauging my interest. Whoops. And then flash forward a couple months, back to summer 2016, and guess who I accidentally sent a friend request to on FaceBook? I did not mean to send it, nor did I realize who I sent it to at first. Until I scrolled through Alex’s photos and saw photos with Rose, and then realized who this person was. So I quickly un-sent the request, only to receive one from Alex. And I felt like I needed to accept it, because I already un-sent mine. Fuck me.

So that long-ass story basically set me up with this awkward expectation that I would meet Alex, and that we could possibly start dating? Yeah, I know. This was a low-point for me. Going back to my whole obsession with being in control and anticipating any situation, I started to fantasize. A lot. THIS IS EMBARRASSING TO WRITE ABOUT…. Okay, powering through the blood flushing to my face right now. I thought about how I could be this power couple with Alex, because we were both really well-accomplish and established people within our college. Alex was a biology and business double major with a minor in dentistry; they were a pre-dental and pre-law student and in multiple organizations, including the business fraternity Alpha Kappa Psi. I am an accounting and Food and Beverage double concentrate with a minor in business, and I was a president, vice president, secretary, and treasurer in four different clubs at that time. I thought it was cute that in the long run, I could give people cavities with my desserts, and then Alex could fix up their teeth. So naturally, me, not having had romantic feelings for anything since the 9th grade, started to really think about being in a relationship with Alex. It got bad.

To this day, I still have not met Alex in real life. Not that I am complaining. If I had met Alex when I was still obsessing over that possibility of us dating, I probably would have lost it. Right now, as I am, I don’t really care as much about being in a relationship. Those sorts of feelings, they should not have been repressed, but rather, not had to begin with. I had not met Alex, so why was I so set on being in a relationship? I know I’m desirable to some extent, so I should not settle on a complete stranger, but rather, I will find my significant other, by being at the right place at the right time. Hasn’t happened yet, nor will I wait on that happening. I’d rather just live my life first. While the song Magic makes me incredibly happy, it still reminds me of that awkward moment when I basically was like a high school fangirl who couldn’t control her hormones over a complete stranger who I have not even met. It makes me smile…and laugh at myself. I still can’t believe after all these years, the possibility of dating somebody could have gotten me this riled up. It just goes to show that I am a human being, and that I have emotions and urges. Yuck. I don’t know if there is any real lesson here, or if any of this has to do with my ideal world. I guess in an ideal world, we can know what to expect out of our lives romantically? That way I would not have set myself up with the expectation that I was going to get into a relationship with basically a complete stranger. There we go. Let’s leave this post at that!

Martyr: realization 15

It took a long time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself. Boo-hoo, I attempted suicide, my friends all claimed that I was the bad person despite having no control over my actions during my depression, I was hospitalized, I had to move out of my apartment. It’s all just in the past to me at this point. I refuse to let these incidents weaken my resolve. Why do I bother making sacrifices when nobody really appreciates them? By constantly victimizing myself, becoming this martyr for my friends, it’s not going to make me happy. Nor will it make them happy. Trying to label myself as the victim in this situation who valiantly took the fall for others, it’s not something I will live by or with. Simply put, I am not going to continue being the sacrificial lamb just so that my friends can be happy nor am I going to feel sorry for myself that I did this. Their happiness should not stem from my misery.

The first case I can think about was when I wanted to quit the cultural organization board that I was originally the secretary for. I hated being in that club. I was miserable: I would cry myself to sleep every night, be overworked, undervalued, and bullied by my entire board. Nobody respected me because I was the secretary. I really wanted to quit. But then when one of my mentees wound up on board, they begged me to stay. So I did. Even when I really didn’t want to. And to make manners more awkward, my mentee got into another cultural organization, where they seemed a lot happier. So I felt like I already made a sacrifice by just staying, and I felt like they were stranding me with this parasite that I was trying to detach myself from. I never understood why I was so angry whenever I saw my mentee with their other board. Until I realized how unhappy being in this board had made me. I had made this sacrifice, taking away my own happiness, because I wanted to be there for my mentee. And my mentee decides that my guidance was not enough, and took off for another club. At least that’s how I felt, deep inside. That I was not good enough. Eventually, I just got so fed up that I quit the club finally. I decided not to be stuck doing something I don’t want to be doing, especially when the person I was doing it for clearly didn’t seem to care. I needed to do things I actually care about.

Another incident was with my roommate (who coincidentally was also that same mentee, go figure). I had a phenomenal housing number; in my school, we were assigned randomly numbers between 0 and 30,000, and that’s how we choose our dorms. I was within the first 100 to choose. I could have chosen a single apartment, all to myself, but I offered to pull my then-friend, would later be-roommate and mentee in, just out of courtesy since my number was really good and I did not want it to go to complete waste. Had I been selfish and simply not offered, then this whole roommate situation I have spent at least 8 blog posts ranting about would not have happened. But I made a sacrifice, hoping that I would gain a best friend for life. Instead, I endured a semester of being neglected, treated like shit, and almost killing myself after basically being told that me cooking for them and worrying about them made me the bad person. And I ended up moving out of that apartment. So what a waste of a top 100 number. But at this point, it was important for me to cut my losses, learn my lesson, and move on.

Between those two examples, the point I am trying to reiterate here is that you should only ever make sacrifices that you can 100% stand behind. I knew, re-joining the organization, that I would not have been happy. I knew that by pulling in somebody else, I was sacrificing the chance to live alone, where solitude is something that I genuinely need. In both cases, I felt that me giving up those things, I would hope that they were appreciated. And they weren’t. Not even in the fucking slightest. Which is why I am saying this right now. Never make a sacrifice for somebody else thinking that they will appreciate it. You might get lucky and have people who are grateful. But when you deal with the people who are ungracious little shits, then you wound up making sacrifices and wishing you never made them. Cut your losses with them and that whole situation. It isn’t worth it to be friends with people who can’t be properly gracious. Always make decisions putting your happiness and your future first in mind. Nobody else’s. That’s the only way you can really live feather-light.