dragonfly: dream 33

When people meet me, they typically assume that my spirit animal is a dolphin. My best friend told me that a dolphin fit my personality because I was outgoing and upbeat, like a dolphin. But I disagree with the general consensus. When I see myself in a mirror, I do not see a perpetually cheerful sea-rapist. I see a quiet, nomadic person who drifts between groups. A dragonfly symbolizes constant change. Specifically, maturity. I feel with my sort of personality, the dragonfly is a very perfect fit. I can be the most immature or mature person you ever meet, depending on my current mood and the context I am put in.

The biggest reason why I feel like a dragonfly is a perfect representation for me started from a dream I had. I was a warlord’s concubine in Feudal Japan. I was terrified and left alone in a small room with him. He was about to defile me. But then, like little flowers, dragonflies started sprouting out of the ground. I started following them, and more appeared. The warlord noticed me escaping, but the dragonflies continued to multiply and spread, flooding the room. He could not catch me. I followed the trail of dragonflies, and managed to escape the prison.

Waking up from that dream, I had no idea what to think. It felt completely random that dragonflies would appear to me and rescue me from a sex-crazed mongrel. But I started to think more about why that dream occurred and what the dragonflies meant. I just started to remember how I lost my virginity; to a much older stranger in a barely legal or consensual  manner. So in that way, the warlord represented the stranger. In that situation, I managed to fend off the person, so my act of defiance was like a metaphor for the dragonflies. I read into what dragonflies symbolized, and the results mostly showed that they represent maturity, power, and growth.

Becoming more mature, or at least, being able to maturely handle situations, is something I want to continue learning how to do. For me, maturity is something we all need to be strong. Specifically, being able to cope with hard situations in a way that does not harm anyone. Dragonflies never harm anyone. They fly through the different phases of life, and continue to drift off towards adulthood. In a feather-light world, we could all do just that. Life would be enjoyable to the point where it will always feel so short-lived or as if it passed by too quickly.

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Reality vs Nightmares: realization 29

Whenever I’m about to embark on a new chapter in my life, I’m terrified. Mostly because I don’t know what to expect. I think it’s perfectly rational to be afraid of the things we don’t understand or anticipate. But the question is, why are we afraid? For me, I realized that it was just because of my imagination. My mind automatically defaults to the worst possible scenario and my fear exaggerates this: the end result is me being completely terrified and feeling insecure about my own abilities. The best solution I found was to embrace the transition, embrace the possibilities, and not be afraid. The worst case scenario can always be worse than wherever you end up. All you need is a chance, a slight window, to prove yourself. And once you can, then you can rise above the doubt and fear, and continue to grow into the person you want to be.

Even if your worst case scenario in that moment has been realized, it can be worse almost always; there will be exceptions, so no sassing me here. For me, my biggest fear was that my mentees would think of me as a failure. Two of them did, and it hurt a lot at first. But I got over it with time. And now I’m enjoying my life for the most part. I feared that my best friend would hate me in high school. And they did, but I managed to live through that and get past it as well. There will always be struggles and roadblocks in life. We can’t always go from point A to point B smoothly. A lot of the time, we have to take detours, and even more often, we never end up at the point B we expected to. And that is something I have had to accept more times than one.

Even if I do not end up where I expect to be, there’s no point in crying over it or being hung up and sad. Just move forward with the path you are on. And do not look back. I have feared being unemployed, I have feared failing classes, etc. In fourth grade, I got an F in history and I thought that it was the end of the world. But I managed to fight back, get a B in the next report card, and made right what was wrong. I hit rock bottom, and managed to bounce back. With my employment status, I wanted to get a management-in-training position. I thought that if I do not get that, I am a failure. But knowing my work ethic and capabilities, I do not need a fast track to get to where I need in my career. I just need to get hired, put my head down, and work my ass off.

I had lost so much sleep because of my fears and nightmares. I have been so scared to the point where I could not think correctly because of that sort of anxiety that comes with expectations and the need to fulfill them. But when it comes down to it, even if I do not meet expectations or if I fail somebody, it’s not the end of the world (for the most part, obviously exceptions exist). But for the most part, it really is not the end just because you hit the worst case scenario. Just learn how to move back up from there. If you hit rock bottom, can you really go lower? For me, after my second attempt at my life, people looked at me like I am some sort of freak. Like I needed to be locked away. But they do not know me. I know me. I know what I am capable of. And even if the rest of the world does not know that, that’s fine. The reality is, I have a future ahead of me and I will make the most of my present so that my future is better. And if my future sucks and goes to shit, then I will work my ass off and crawl out of the hole I fell into. I will accept my present and do what I can to make a brighter future. No matter how bad my nightmares are, my reality will always be better.

Darkness: dream 9

This post is a test of my sanity and happiness. Just writing about my inner darkness is a trigger for my anxiety and fears. That photo was taken right before I tried to jump into the 0 degree F ocean. But if I can overcome that fear and write about it, then I’ll just come out of this stress that much stronger.

My biggest fears include being left behind, dying without a sense of purpose, and the darkest would be growing old alone and being left behind and completely forgotten by my friends. That one really scares me.

When I’m in this state of darkness, reason doesn’t exist to me. I felt alone, scared, worthless. I feel like nobody else understands this uncertainty and numbing fear I am experiencing, and that just pushes them away.

The biggest challenges in overcoming that are: properly communicating how I’m feeling so that people understand why I need help, and taking this feeling of loneliness and turning it into something positive. I need to make sure that, even though I’m alone, that I can take this as an opportunity to make new friends or focus on myself.

You can take these dark moments in your life, and find ways to embrace them. See them as challenges to overcome to make you stronger. Being afraid and being nervous are understandable. Trust me, I know the feeling all too well, and talking from retrospect, I wish I could have seen my situation in that light. Unfortunately, if you do succumb and you make irreversible mistakes, just learn from those and find new ways to move on. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. You just need to find it first.