alter ego: dream 34

I’m sure we have all dreamt about having superpowers at one point in our childhood. If not superpowers, then being a superhero in general. Come on, I can’t be the only one, right? I still remember wanting to be like Sheik from The Legend of Zelda, mostly because she was super elegant, androgynous, and sleek. I got into long distance running because her build reminded me of a long distance runner – slender and slim. Granted, I probably should have done acrobatics and gymnastics if I really wanted to pursue that sort of flexibility that Sheik has, but that’s another story. Bottom line is, I wanted to be a ninja/assassin-eqsue superhero when I was a little kid. Ironically, I did NOT watch Naruto, even though you would think that somebody with some interest in that kind of character would be. Nope, never really got into that, unfortunately. But my lack of interest in mainstream ninja-themed anime aside, I always wanted to be superhuman, just because it would be so cool to have those powers or that sense of mystique in having an alter ego.

A lot of the reason why I thought having an alter ego would be cool is that I felt my every day life was just not interesting. At that time, I was like a middle schooler, so I had very little going for me. But imagining if I had another identity, fighting crime, being this stealthy vigilante who would would help others, it sounded so cool to me at the time. Granted, it was also very dangerous, because I would be limited in my equipment and actual capabilities. So naturally, that dream remained a dream and nothing else. I eventually stumbled upon cooking, and in a lot of ways, that became my alter-ego so to speak. On one hand, I would be a hard working student. On another, I would also be a very capable pastry cook. It was really cool to have those two sides to me, but upon enrolling in a hospitality college, those two identities became inseparable; I was a student and known for my knowledge in Food and Beverage. That was both good and bad. I gained recognition and people knew who I was before actually meeting them, but at the same time, I could not pull out my surprise cooking skills as often now, because people would know that I have them. The secret, the thrill of it being my double-life, it was gone.

I guess in a lot of ways, that is why I kept my identity for Featherlight a secret. Having this little secret, it makes me feel like I have an edge to me. Nobody knows that I am this anonymous blogger. They can know me all they want for being a pastry cook, a student, a runner, whatever, but they will almost never know how I am in here, or that the person here writing right now is me. As much as it would simplify the world to have no secrets, for me anyways, I think a couple harmless secrets, like writing an anonymous blog where everything is kept anonymous anyways, is fine. Privacy deserves to exist, for the sake of us not feeling entirely exposed. There is a such extreme as having too much privacy, where you close yourself off to the world. But having too little, you feel vulnerable and scared. I still remember when everyone in my college knew who I was. It was terrifying. I could not introduce myself without somebody knowing who I was already, and it made me paranoid, thinking that they were stalking me on social media. I actually had to delete my social media accounts for like a month because of this incident.

I think we all deserve to have an alter ego in our lives, so long as they are not committing anything illegal here. Having an alter ego means that we can appeal to the thoughts and concepts we normally do not get to explore in our everyday lives. That’s how I was able to learn so much about food at first, because I could escape to the world of cooking and ingredients when I hated dealing with history or science. That’s how I was able to start actively writing in this blog, because I love being able to change gears and do something else, just so that my mind can be challenged in new ways and my perspective and experience can continue to broaden. In a world of my feather-light dreams, we can all pursue and explore anything we want to and not worry about our privacy being violated.

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Trust: realization 8

If there is no trust, then there is no true relationship or friendship. That’s what happened between me and my recent roommate. I thought I could trust them with my secrets, I thought I could trust them with my stories. I hoped that they could trust me with my thoughts, feelings, fears. I wanted to know that our apartment was a safe place for both of us. Unfortunately, that sort of trust, it’s too much to ask for from certain people.

The fact that my roommate could not feel comfortable enough to tell or show me the extent to which they were worried about me when I was going through my depression, or tell me they were afraid I was developing romantic feelings for them, that hurt the most. They hid these secrets, either because they were afraid of escalating the situation, or that they didn’t want me to get angry at them. Regardless of whichever one, it felt like at the end of the day, they only cared about their own safety.

If they really wanted to help me, they would’ve expressed the worry, expressed the fear. But instead, they bottled it up, because they were afraid of me yelling at them. I feel pretty hurt about the situation, just because as much as I trusted them with my secrets, feelings, they could not bring it upon themselves to do the same. Instead, they lied. They claimed to be tired, because they wanted to avoid me in my state of depression. They could not tell me the truth about how they felt.

They shafted me in a lot of ways. Isolated me, tried to push me away. Rather than trying to tell me how they really felt, they lied to me, pushing me away, and I misinterpreted it as them being better off without me. I just felt like if I disappeared, they would be better off without me. In the moment when I tried to kill myself, I only had a gut feeling that my presence made my roommate uncomfortable. I did not know the exact reasons, but I sensed contempt and discomfort from them.

What really hurt in that scenario was hearing my roommate confess all of their discomfort to my other friends, who showed me through video recordings. It just broke my heart, knowing that they couldn’t trust me enough to tell me these things in person. To tell me these things when I was going through my depression. Even though they probably did not want to worsen the situation, had I known I had this effect on them, it would have made me that much more aware that I needed help. Granted, retrospect is a complete bitch. It could have made me angry, even for a second, but at least I could have appreciated the truth coming from them directly.

The lack of trust is what can really harm a friendship. While my roommate has been emotionally scarred by the whole ordeal, the lack of confiding in me caused me to misinterpret the situation, and it led to me trying to kill myself. Trust is important. Being able to feel comfortable and safe enough to tell somebody what you’re thinking or how you’re feeling, it really does help a relationship. The lack of that, it unfortunately leaves the mind up to assumption. Doubts, fears, it all builds up, until something irreversible could happen. If you do not feel comfortable speaking from your mind and heart to somebody, maybe they shouldn’t be your friend. And if you cannot bring yourself to do that with anybody at all, then maybe you should start trusting people more. Either way, trust is needed, if you do not want to lead a lonely life. Being able to feel safe amongst the people you surround yourself in, that’s key to being feather-light.