Healing: dream

Being able to recover from something and move on, it’s a wonderful feeling. The healing process is a vital part in us maturing as human beings. A lot of it starts with forgetting about what it is that hurt us to begin with, specifically that pain. Yet, you still need to keep the lesson learned from whatever hurt you in mind. It could be that certain people are not good people, or be less naive, but whatever the lesson is, know what needs to be learned. Secondly, while keeping that newly learned moral in the back of your head, move on with your life. It might mean cutting off old parts of your life, but you need to do it, or else you could very easily revert to old, harmful habits that could cause you a lot of pain and possibly, cause you to revert to self-inflicting tendencies. That is the biggest emotional hurdle in the healing process is cutting off the past and forgetting about it.

The next part of the healing process is filling your life with new things to replace the old. They don’t have to be similar things. Preferably, they shouldn’t be similar things. Anything that reminds you of your past pain, that’s just asking to be triggered. Being able to do that, it also helps you forget the past a lot easier. You’re able to let go and not think about whatever horrible influences have hurt you. And while cutting off is the biggest challenge emotionally, this part is the most difficult part mentally is putting the past behind you. You are probably used to a certain routine, and you want to revert to it. You probably wouldn’t want to include new things into your life and you yearn for the past. Very few people are naturally good at adapting to and accepting change. And that’s to be expected. We can’t all just be okay to uprooting our daily routines. But being able to accept the change, even in small steps, it helps.

By allowing these new influences into your life, you can expel a lot of the negative emotions that have been burdening you earlier. You stop thinking about those dark thoughts, or about the causes of them. Instead, every day becomes a new opportunity for you to discovery something new about yourself or the world around you. You start to find yourself smiling a lot more, and while you know that this world is a little less wonderful than you remember it being, the parts that are genuinely wonderful that you discover makes that journey worthwhile. Being able to see the good in the world, it’s refreshing. Whether it’s new people, new hobbies, new places, you’ll surprise yourself with how much this world has to offer, despite whatever it was that hurt you in the first place. You stop thinking about the guilt, the pain, the trauma, and it helps you focus on future and what you can do as an individual to make the most of yours.

Being able to completely cast your past behind, it’s not easy. Those wounds from your trauma, they do become scars, but with time, you will forget what exactly gave you those scars exactly, but you will still vaguely remember how you got them, and what you can do to prevent yourself from falling into the same mistake again. The world will no longer feel like a cage or trap confining you, and it will open itself up to you. You are no longer being held down or back by those negative influences and burdens. Instead, you can focus on making the person you see in the mirror somebody you can love more and more. And once you reach that point of loving yourself, don’t stop there. Find new things about the world, and figure out what new things you love as well, and how you can work towards incorporating that newfound passion or interest into your life. With healing, you gain depth and character and that’s a life worth living in this featherlight world.

cracked heart

Our love did not exist. What we had was an illusion. A lie. We tried to be there for each other. Simply but, we were bad together. We hurt each other. We convinced ourselves that we needed each other. But you deceived me. Behind my bcd, you told others how you rely felt. My confidence, my self-esteem, I sacrificed those to be your friend, your confidant. I gave up my dignity. How foolish I was, to do that for anybody. I refused to think that I was in the wrong. I committed every thought and concern to your safety and happiness. Or so what I incorrectly perceived it to be. But you are not worth my love and trust. SOmeone who treated me like a monster in my moment of vulnerability. Somebody so insensitive, entitled, and immature. You do not deserve my attention. You do not deserve my focus. You are a waste of my time. Please do me a favor, and go away. Treat yourself like how you treated me. Maybe then you will understand how much of a brat and coward you were. Stop trying so hard to be the victim of this situation. You really are a disappointment of a human being. I am embarrassed to think that I let somebody like you hurt me. Somebody with such a cracked heart.

severance: realization 34

Even if you and a ex-friend never quite recover the relationship you once shared, there’s no reason to be sad, nor is there a reason to be angry. So long as both of you are happy with the lives you currently lead, then that is more important. This is something I just realized recently between a handful of things. The first was when I was watching an episode of The Actor’s Studio on Bravo, not really because I wanted to, but because it was on right before Top Chef. One of the actors said that sentimentalism is just undeserved happiness or emotion. What’s the point in dwelling in the past when the present deserves more of your attention? Secondly, I just saw my ex-mentee/roommate the other day. At an event where I was invited to. It was awkward, yes, but I saw that they were really happy (obviously not to see me, but in the midst of their friends). Seeing that, coupled with the fact that I was already gaining my own form of happiness, it made me realize how it is okay if I never recovery the friendship I lost with them.

Severance is a noun meaning the act of cutting off or ending a relationship. It sounds final, intense, and grim, but it does not need to be perceived that way. For me, I see it as an opportunity. When you are around the same people constantly, you form habits and norms. Your perspective is essentially stuck in the same way. But when you change the people you surround yourself with, how you see the world can change too. Currently, the company I have, they are all good people. Optimistic, kindhearted, selfless, considerate. The kind of people who helped me recover from my second suicide attempt. They helped me realize what kind of person I am: a hardworking, protective, and loving person who just wants others to be happy, while at the same time, an unforgivingly sassy pastry cook who does not have a filter. I am proud of who I am, flaws and everything, and I will not apologize for being me.

While yes, my ex-friend/mentee/roommate was a huge factor in my self-loathing behavior, a part of me still does care about them, because I am a naturally caring personality. That being said, seeing how happy they were, it made me feel relieved. It was reassuring to know that while I may have hurt them during my state of depression, that they recovered. Just seeing them happy, it does not matter to me if I am the cause of their happiness or the exact opposite of that. Knowing that they are no longer hurting makes me feel more inclined and able to move on with my own life. I no longer have to be weighed down with these thoughts of guilt, needing to justify how when I was depressed, I had no control over my actions. All of that can be finally placed behind me now. I do not care if my relationship with them ever mends.

As I am now, I already have a great group of friends. I know that I am already a very likable person. If I was not a likable person, I would not have so many friends or have made so many friends in just the past two months alone. People who see me as crazy or insane because of that previous suicide attempt are just people who have not met me or gotten to know me on a personal level. The people who can see past that and the ones who I value. The ones that understand how badly in pain I was, and do not treat me differently because of it, I appreciate greatly. The ones who do think I am psychotic, unnecessary for me to live a happy life. They will understand eventually how depression works, and then be more sympathetic or understanding. But I will not be there waiting for them. I will have already moved on with my life. Severance changes perspectives on not only you to others, but you to yourself. You can see the qualities that were previously forgot about in tunnel vision. You can continue to grow and blossom.

 

Sky Bird: Conclusion

Hi, whoever actually read my story. Firstly, thank you for reading Sky Bird. It was a really fun story for me to practice writing, because of the entire concept of the story being based on my high school experiences, but making the main character, Kendall, based on somebody who actually bullied me in real life. I just figured I would write this post so that I can put a true end to Sky Bird, and address any questions or thoughts you might have after reading this story series.

The reason why the real life Kendall bullied me was actually a combination of reasons, but it was not too unlike what happened between him and the Chiangs. Money, specifically financial statuses, could really sour relationships or cause others to question your abilities: the real life Kendall assumed that rich people could buy talent, which was not always the case. Trying to understand why he thought that way was key for Kendall’s character development. Unfortunately, I never quite reconnected or reconciled with his real life counterpart, but I can somehow live with that.

To be honest, I wanted Fanny to be the main character originally. I just enjoyed writing his character because he was so sassy and forward. I even considered writing a spin-off with Fanny as the main character, but because of how inherently interesting and progressive his character was, it would have been too easy and it would not have particularly challenged me. I found it hard not to completely develop Fanny’s character here, because he was not the main protagonist, and I tried really hard not to make him overshadow Kendall’s character.

Chloe and Megan’s dynamic was inspired by my own friendships in high school, specifically when I was in cross country and was really close with one or two of my teammates. I did not really get to develop their characters too much, unfortunately, but I wanted both to come across as competent, capable, and in Chloe’s case, more lighthearted and childish, while Megan would come across as more responsible and easier to anger.

Sophia and Carly each took qualities from a variety of my friends from high school. I wanted Sophia to be more of the outwardly shy, inwardly brave type of personality. In Sophia’s case, I really wanted to make her have a constant presence in Kendall’s life, something you can pick up on when you reread earlier chapters. I tried to make her more relatable towards the middle and end of the story, focusing on showing more of her perspective, just to further imply that she would get together with Kendall in the end.

I tried making Carly outgoing, but I wanted her to come off as generally uninteresting to Kendall, just to make it apparent to him that they were not I wanted Carly’s presence to completely overshadow Sophia’s in the beginning, since the story was told by Kendall’s perspective, and her initially being his crush. Carly was supposed to come across as the girl next door, and also a little miss perfect-type of figure.

For Jared, I really only took the name from somebody I went to middle and high school with. Aside from that, he was an original character from my high school experience. Since Fanny was gay, I wanted there to be somebody who could help Kendall become more accepting of Fanny, so Jared’s role changed from being a homophobic background character to being Fanny’s closeted boyfriend. For Kendall, seeing one of his closest friends date his mortal enemy, it challenged his views and priorities: would his hate for Fanny overcome his friendship with Jared?

Matt’s character, it was left relatively undeveloped. He was directly based on somebody I knew in high school, even down to the name. I really did not know what to add to his character, mostly because I felt like Jared already accomplished everything that Matt could in terms of the role of Kendall’s confidant. At one point in the story, I considered pairing Matt with Carly, in hopes that their relationship would help develop the characters, but I opted out of that, because I felt like at that point, almost all of the characters would be dating and that would just be a copout. So I left his character along with Carly’s relatively untouched. Needless to say, Matt is a very nice and funny person, both the character and the real life version. I hope some of that easygoing humor was able to come through in the few moments he actually had.

One of the recurring themes I wanted to capture was the idea of brotherhood. I focused a bit on the dynamics between Jared, Matt, and Kendall, trying to show the friendship between three young men. I also focused a few chapters on Kendall and Gil. I originally had bigger plans for Gil, wanting to expand his role into a main character, but him being a middle schooler made it difficult to include him as much as I would have liked to. Gil’s character was also left relatively untouched, but I hope I did include enough to make him a character of some interest.

Overall, I am happy with how the final story turned out, plot-wise. I honestly had no clue where I was going in the beginning. For a fleeting second, I thought about making Kendall and Fanny a pairing, but decided not to for the sake of it being way too polarizing and Romeo and Juliet-esque. I even considered putting Kendall with Carly in the beginning, but the more I wrote about Carly’s character, the more I felt they were incompatible. I was really happy that Kendall and Sophia wound up together, because when I first wrote in Sophia, I was expecting her to be a background character and remain relatively uninteresting. The first vision I had for Sky Bird was for Kendall to be a family guy, close with his two siblings, and using his family as an escape from the antagonistic Chiang family. But I added in more characters and started to expand the world, and it wound up being a story about acceptance, love, and having an open mind. I hope you enjoyed reading Sky Bird, and I look forward to continuing my next work, Road Movie!

Optimism: dream 15

Being happy and smiling, it’s how I kept things from getting me down after everything that had just happened with my life. When I try my best to think positive, see the glass as full, the world suddenly is a peachier, more upbeat place. I almost completely forget about all of the dangers and negativities of the world. Obviously, doing that constantly will put you in a lot more danger, it’s still a practice I partially employ so that I can move forward from something that gets me down.

Even when shit hits the fan and everything around you comes crumbling down, just making yourself smile through it might be all your mind and heart really need. Find those things that make you smile and laugh. For me, being able to see the world as a place full of potential, opportunities, and happy moments yet to be made, that uplifts my spirit right away. Then when I see, let’s say, any picture of Boo the Pomeranian, then it just gets better. That adorable little fuzzball knows how to make me laugh and smile.

Just finding the things in this world that make you feel hope, happiness, and fill you with laughter and smiles, as weird and hippy-like as that sounds, it opens up a world of positivity and possibility for you. It changes how you feel about things, how you act in response to others, and for me, I’ve learned to be genuinely happy again for the first time in years. The thought of getting up in the morning and running through the beach, hanging out with my friends, and baking something delicious, it all gives me a new reason to live.

Smile and never look back. It’s easy to think about the past, but life was not meant for you to take it easy all the time. You are always supposed to move forward and find new opportunities. New chances for you to learn, grow, and live. When I see the world now, I don’t see it as a place full of pressure, fear, or obstacles. I see it as a challenge for me to step up and keep fighting back. Keep going until I can no longer go. I will continue to smile, and live for me. This positive, half cup-full world, it’s what I see, in my feather-light dreams.