romanced: dream

A majority of us are raised in a society where we go to school, get a job, get married, have a family, and then our children continue that cycle. Where I am at currently in my life is post-going to school, but pre-getting a job or I am even further away from getting married; I have very little experience with relationships and romance in general. I only recently had my first relationship, and we agreed that the title was too… intense, and that we would prefer to stay as friends who date exclusively first, as we get to know each other better.

I am embarrassed to admit that I would actually want to be in a relationship. Not for the sake of being in one so that I am not single or to check part of another box off the unspoken to-do list of life, but more for the life experience that comes from it. Even if this relationship does not lead to marriage but rather ends sourly in a break-up, I don’t mind so long as I can learn something more about myself from the experience. Just being a part of the ride is enough to make me happy. To understand what it means to be somebody else’s significant other, while at the same time, being able to see a person as my own, it is important for me. I want to know that somebody out there who can make me feel and act that way exists.

The concept of love and relationships, it’s not something that can be approached logically. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why we as humans are always so fascinated by the idea. No matter what we try to find in somebody else as a mate, sometimes, our hearts may not always agree. Let’s say we want somebody who is tall, Caucasian, and muscular, but we end up in a relationship with somebody who is medium-height, African American, and scrawny. Yet, we are not un-attracted to the African American, despite them being not what we would prefer. And that is because of what they have to offer beneath the surface. While they do not physically resemble what we would want in an ideal mate, the personality and ethics of this African American appeals to us.

The concept of love has a lot of gray areas. For example, one might view a woman getting hit by her husband as domestic violence without any context. But what if the woman wanted her husband to hit her, because that was her kink? I’m not going to explore that idea more, because it is a very…awkward topic, but you get the idea. There are other emotions, primal, hormonal, and hard to understand in general, that cloud our judgement and make us act beyond reason and logic. Yet, that’s what makes being romanced such an exciting and terrifying journey. The unknown does not necessarily settle well with me, but being able to single out that special somebody out of the several millions of people in the world, it’s a wonderful feeling. And it’s a feeling that every human being deserves to have, or at least in the world of my featherlight dreams.


Road Movie: Chapter 5

“So, it’s the first day of winter break! What do you think we should do?” Dakota looked over at Phillip excitedly. “Stay inside, hibernate, drink hot chocolate, watch a funny movie?” Phillip chuckled lazily. The weather was horrendous, it was less than 0 degrees F outside, and he would like nothing more than to stay indoors where their heater was on. “When were you, Phillip Hopkins, the lazy one in our relationship?” Dakota giggled. It was not to say that either of them were particularly unambitious or lax individuals, but between the couple, Phillip was the bigger overachiever. “Go graduate college in 2 1/2 years, go to medical school, and work at the same time.” He growled, laying back in their bed. “Wow, wasn’t this me a couple days ago?” She giggled, poking him playfully. It was amusing to her that he was the one who got her out of bed, and now the roles were reversed.

Eventually, Dakota was able to drag Phillip to their living room, where they drank hot cocoa and were watching Christmas movies. “This kind of weather makes me wish I was a polar bear.” He chuckled,  as they put their hot chocolate mugs down on their coffee table. The two were sitting on their couch, snug up against the snow-covered window. “So you can hibernate?” She raised an eyebrow at him, trying not to laugh. “This is why we’ve been dating for six and a half years. You get me, Ducky.” “Of course I do, Philly cheesesteak.” She cuddled up against his arm. “Oh, look! Frozen is on right now!” He pointed out one of Dakota’s least favorite movies. “Ugh. I really can do without another bout of “Do You Want to Build a Snowman?” or “Let It Go” right about now.” She quickly turned off the television, as if doing so was quarantining some kind of plague or disease. In this case, that disease would be called “Frozen-Fever.” Coincidentally enough, also the name of a short sequel to the same movie.

“I really just want to enjoy this break, you know?” The two mustered the bravery to finally leave their apartment building, journey through the snow, and explore the Lincoln Park ZooLights Festival. The Lincoln Park Zoo would be transformed every December from the usual zoo set up; it would become Chicago’s ideal image of a winter wonderland. Music, ice carving, carolers, and trees and structures decked out in Christmas lights, it was a sight to behold. Holding Phillip’s hand, Dakota smiled. She enjoyed these kinds of romantic dates with him, because they’re so busy in their day to day lives that they never really got to spend time together. Walking through the hall of light-covered trees, they continued to marvel the colors that filled the night’s sky and danced in the nearby water. The brunette was really happy at the moment. She knew that moments like these were rare, and in the near future, will happen even less as the two of them continue in their careers. That was Dakota cherished every second she spent with Phillip.

“Well that was a fun night!” Dakota giggled. The two decided to go to dinner at a restaurant, Parachute. They came across it from a recommendation by Virginia. The chef and owner, Beverly Kim, was close friends with Virginia because the two had met at a Korean-American Professionals Conference in the Midwest. “Wow, having friends in marketing rocks!” Phillip grinned goofily. They managed to get a table on a Saturday night, despite having no reservation, just because Virginia made a couple calls for them. “It really does! We get so many different connections and clients, it really opens up the world to so many opportunities.” Dakota nodded in agreement. “Look at the two of us. A marketing manager and an aspiring doctor. We’re such Millennials.” The brunette giggled. “That just means that the world is our oyster.”

“That was great.” Phillip looked like he was about to burp. “I’m stuffed.” The two of them were driving back to their apartment in Phillip’s car, a small black Chevrolet. Phillip was behind the wheel while Dakota was sitting in the passenger seat. “Hey, so I was thinking that maybe we could spend Monday going to a drive-in theater? John was telling me about Cascade Drive-In having a showing of The Lady and the Tramp and I know it’s your favorite!” He smiled. John was one of Phillip’s friends in med-school. “I’m down. But isn’t December 12th coming up soon?” She got out her phone. “Philly, it’s going to be on Tuesday.” She reminded him. “Yeah, don’t worry, I know that. I figured why not spend the day before with one of the two women I love the most in my life.” He shrugged. “You’re such a momma’s boy, I can’t even!” Dakota laughed jokingly. “But she definitely is lucky to have a son like you. Somebody who always goes out of his way for the ones he loves.” She finished, trying not to hurt Phillip’s feelings. “She raised me right, that’s for sure.” He agreed, as the car began to pull into the garage.

Dakota’s phone buzzed as the brunette was with Phillip in their apartment living room. “Oh, Frida sent me a Snap.” She was referring to SnapChat, which to almost everyone’s surprise, the 85 year-old knew how to use better than most high-schoolers. “Oh geez. She’s getting hammered.” The brunette laughed in excitement as the video played. Frida was in a club with flashing neon lights, holding a party yard cup, screaming. It was a sight to behold, and to anyone who did not know Frida, they probably would be very concerned at that point. But Frida was the type of person who could take 48 shots of vodka, go to work the next day, and still get her job done faster than anyone else. “I just can’t believe some of the people you work with. Especially your boss. She’s crazy.” Phillip raised an eyebrow in amusement. “How she never got internet-famous is a huge mystery to me.” “She probably doesn’t want the fame. She’s the type of person who does outrageous things not to be noticed, but more because she’s old and wants to enjoy living her life out.” Dakota explained, yawning. She was tired. “Alright, I’m going to go to bed.” She stretched, leaving the room. “Wait for me!” Phillip dashed after her, not wanting to keep her up with him being awake.

“We’re losing him! Quick, somebody hold him while I bandage him up!” It was a blur. All that could be heard was the blaring noise of a siren and the loud screams of people who were scurrying about the road. “We can save him! You need to hurry up!” “I’m trying my best!” “And what about her?” “She’s going to be fine compared to him. She might have suffered some minor head trauma, but she was not crushed by the door. He has definitely damage to his organs. The body is suffering from internal bleeding. And the way he is bent, that is not natural! We need to focus on him first!” The sound of the siren drowned out anything else. It belonged to an ambulance. A body could be seen, being carried on a stretcher into the white vehicle with flashing red lights. And then everything faded into black. Was it a dream? Or was it a memory?

Road Movie Chapter 4

I knew I wanted to date Dakota from the first time I had met her. She was so shy and quiet, but there was something about her that made me feel nervous. In life science, all of my friends were jerks and partnered up while I was dozing off. And then, lucky me, I get to be partnered with the prettiest girl in class. “Hi, Dakota, right?” I at her, trying to blanket my excitement with a smile. “Yeah. What’s your name?” She looked down at me as I took my seat next to me. “I’m Phillip. Phillip Hopkins. Nice to meet you! She nodded at me in acknowledgement before going back to looking at the front of the classroom. I never really understood why I was attracted to shy girls. There was something about them being so closed off that I guess I took as a challenge? I wanted to see if I could be that guy who could help them warm up to the world. My parents, they told me it was important to be outgoing, because people who are shy always fall behind. And I would rather not let that happen.

Crap. I looked down. The beaker slipped my hand and landed on the floor in pieces. I thought that being lab partners with Dakota would be easy, but being around her, it made me feel nervous. Being flustered, it sucks. It feels like everything is going in fast motion, like a blur. “Oh god, we’re going to get a zero on this.” Dakota shook her head worriedly. “I’m so sorry.” I looked at her. “We can talk to her about this. She can fail just me.” Dakota frowned at my proposal. I really felt bad. I did not want her to get an F because I was being an idiot. “No, we’re partners, so we both deserve the grade. I’m not going to bail on you just because you’re the one that messed up. If it was the other way around, it would be no different.” She reasoned. The brunette was clearly unhappy, but hearing what she said, I was touched. She stood by me, despite how clumsy I was being. Unfortunately, the rest of our partnership was spent with her getting snappy and passive aggressive at me. I tried to make small talk, but she would just scold me and tell me to focus on the lab. 7th grade ended on a very awkward note for us. I just lost interest in dating her, because she was too high strung. Girls can be weird sometimes.

8th grade. It was not fun for me. Well, it was at first. My friends and I hung out a lot, but then December 12th happened. I was in English and I was asked to come to the Principal’s office. I had no idea why, and I was scared. Was I framed for something? Am I going to be expelled? I have no idea. When I arrived in the dusty office, I got a phone call from my dad on the Principal’s line. “Phillip. Your uncle is going to come pick you up really soon.” “Pick me up? Wait, where’s uncle Rick taking me?” He could hear his dad holding back tears from the other side of the line. “To the hospital. Your mom, she got into a really bad accident.” I could feel my stomach sink. The entire world just went black and white to me. Everything slowed down. “Phillip? Phillip!” The principal shouted.

The car ride to the hospital felt like it took an eternity. I wanted to make sure that my mom was fine. Every red light and stop sign was just prolonging that wait. “What happened?” My voice, I could hear it cracking from not speaking for so long. I looked at Rick, treating his answer. “She was driving to pick you up from school, and the ice on the road, it was too slippery. Her car slid through a rail and into the river.” Rick began, finding it difficult to summarize what had just happened to his sister-in-law. “We don’t know what happened. The driver behind called 911, and they retrieved the car and her body from the DuPage. She’s in the hospital, but that river was freezing cold, and-” I could tell he was on the verge of tears. “Uncle Rick…” I did not know what to say. I was only 13 years old. How was I supposed to know what to do in this situation?

She died before we could even arrive at the hospital. I felt so helpless. We couldn’t do anything to save her. The doctors and my dad refused to let me even see the body. I still remember what my mom told me when I was little. How she hoped for me to grow up to take care of others. To love my own children as much as she could possibly love me. But she’s not here to love me anymore. She was gone. She was in heaven, loving and caring for the angels in the sky. That’s what my dad and uncle Rick assured me. It was hard getting over her death. I went to therapy for a couple months, and tried different hobbies. My dad insisted that I get out of the house more often, just so that I would not be reminded too much of her. And we moved into a smaller apartment, just so that it would not feel so empty. Uncle Rick would visit often.

One of the hobbies, or rather goals, I took upon myself was trying to get as many 5s on AP tests as physically possible. By freshman year, I had already attempted the Physics and Spanish AP tests and got 5s on both. Sophomore year, World History, Chemistry, and Economics. Junior year, Calculus AB, US History, Biology, and Language Composition. And Senior year, Literature, Calc BC, Physics C, and French. I wanted to get as many credits as possible going into college applications, just so that I can work and pay for less when it came to college tuition. I did not want my dad paying my tuition. School became a huge focus for me. Until I met Dakota again in Junior year. I was not expecting to see her, let alone get placed in the same group as her. It was awkward at first.

“Hey, I haven’t seen you since like 7th grade!” I laughed. “Fancy seeing you in Bio AP!” I tried my best to diffuse the awkwardness of the situation. She looked uncomfortable and like she was fighting the urge to roll her eyes at my remark. The first few weeks were bad. She was not happy that we were put in the same group. But I tried my best to contribute. This time was different. I was not flustered or embarrassed being around her. I knew what I needed to do. Back then in middle school, I did not need to try. High school, one bad misstep and I will have to go to community college. I refused to be a statistic. I did not want to be one of those kids from a single-parent home who could not afford to go to a good college. And I think somewhere down the line, Dakota started to recognize and respect that. She knew that I had changed.

The funniest thing was when we started dated. That kiss, I was so relieved that I did not get a concussion from falling over; my backpack broke my fall onto the concrete. I used to have a crush on her back in middle school, and now 7th grade Phillip gets his wish come true. I get to date one of the prettiest and hardest working girls in my school. The first thing I noticed when I got to know Dakota was how ambitious she was. She was taking AP and honors classes consistently, she knew that she wanted to go into marketing right away, and she was kind above all else. Whenever anyone was struggling, she offered to help them. She grew up, just like how I did. She went from being passive aggressive to nurturing and loving. And that’s why I was glad to have somebody like her in my life.

Miterwort: dream 26

“Will we wake up, when they clear up, all the Miterwort, in our dreams?”

Miterwort is a song by Trass that I embarrassingly enough, admit to listening to when I am taking baths. It is a really relaxing and gentle love song, almost like a lullaby to be honest, about watching the rain fade, as light creates rainbows in the sky, and fairies collect the water and light, and from that, create love. Miterwort itself is a plant, also called the bishop’s cap, and its leaves resemble little hearts, so probably a symbol a love. This song reminds me of my most recent trip to Japan, because that’s around the time I downloaded Miterwort and the rest of it’s album, Cerulean Mono-Rainbow. And when I was in Japan, I spent a lot of time in the hot springs, so you can imagine why I have that correlation between this song and bathing now. Hey, it can be romantic. But I am a tub hog, so probably not.

The song itself talks about clearing Miterwort from dreams. I’m assuming that it means something to the effect of becoming less naïve and that the two people being referred to in the song realizing that they do love each other. Or that the fluttering feelings are settling down, and that these two people will come back to whatever reality separated them in the first place. Sorry, devil’s advocate/pessimist speaking. But probably the first one because this is apparently a love song. Unlike Koda Kumi’s song, which explicitly states otherwise. I love Koda Kumi and the hilariously inappropriate themes she stands for. Expect a post about her soon. But back to the talk about heart shaped leaves and love songs and me bathing in Japan.

What I appreciate about Trass/Harmonicblend songs are that they are so simple, but beautiful. They paint entire worlds just from the music. Miterwort will be one of my favorites because of the gentle melody, which just reminds me of the hot springs in Japan. The peacefulness of it, plus the beautiful vocals, you really can feel yourself relaxing. I can imagine myself in a hot spring, but I’m sure if you don’t have that connotation like how I do, I can also imagine playing in a park, then stumbling upon that one true love of yours, in a large green meadow full of miterwort. Then you two spending time together, picking and kneading the miterwort into little flower crowns to place on each other’s heads. I swear to god, I need to stop reading shoujo manga. It is slowly killing me inside. No, Yumi! Kamiya-kun isn’t worth it! Daisuke-senpai is the one you need to fall in love with! NO! Yeah, that’s hopefully not from anything, because I just made it up on the spot from how many of these damn shoujo manga I have read over the years. Oh, shush. Internet, you cannot possibly judge me much more than the fact that I am already writing about Japanese-type songs for RPGs. I AM ALLOWED MY WEIRD MOMENTS!

So in conclusion, Miterwort is just a song that relaxes me. I just feel myself, drifting off to a place where I can relax and not feel scrutinized or pressured whenever I am listening to it. It invokes simplistic innocence for me. And then there’s the fond memories of Japan, which are a huge plus. I’m still doing research to see if this is an edible plant or not, because if I can make a Miterwort dessert, that would be pretty awesome and I’d be so down to do it. Anyways, music can be such a great way to relieve yourself of stress and anxiety. Miterwort did that for me to a large degree, so hopefully you too can find a song that will help you make your life much more feather-light.












Sky Bird: Chapter 18

“Thank god we’re almost finished.” Fanny groaned in relief. There were only a couple of scenes left in the movie project. Kendall’s movie group was currently at the Malibu Beach Inn, where they filmed a scene involving Kendall and Sophia’s characters; Thaimee and Gregory were supposed to be on a date on the beach in this scene. At this point, all that was left were the scenes with Fanny’s character, which he insisted he could film on his own with the help of Chloe, just so that nobody else had to waste any more time. “Good work on the last scene, Kendall.” Sophia smiled at the brunette. “Thanks.” The brunette was still slightly jet lagged, so he was just trying not to fall asleep. “Okay, so here’s the big scene. You two are going to kiss.” Fanny looked like he was either trying to contain his own vomit or laughter as Sophia and Kendall looked at him in horror. “Wait, why am I kissing him?” Sophia glared at Fanny. “That wasn’t in the script we wrote!” “Suck it up. I’m the director, and these are changes I made to improve the story.” He winked at her. Even though he was put off by Kendall, Fanny still wanted Sophia to have a shot at a relationship with the boy she had a crush on: in short, he put his friendship with Sophia before his detest for Kendall. “Can we at least fake it? You know, angle the camera.” Sophia suggested, not wanting Kendall to think that this is what she wanted. “Okay, fine. I can be a reasonable dictator. I mean, director.” He rolled his eyes, getting back behind his tripod. “That was really sneaky of you, Fanny.” Carly whispered to him. “Well, what a girl wants, a girl gets.” He chuckled back at her.”Okay, and let’s start filming now! 4, 3, 2.”

Kendall and Sophia stood in the water, side by side. Sophia reached over and grabbed his hand. What is this I’m feeling? My heart’s racing? The brunette felt confused. Sophia’s hand was small, soft, and warm. “Thailand ni  kaeritakunai. Edward-kun to isshouni koko ni sunmitain.” Sophia looked at him. “Demo Thaimee-chan no uchi wa Thailand no naka ni desu ne? Soshite, boku no uchi wa California no naka ni. Dakara, kore was watashitachi no saigo no deeto.” He whispered, looking into her eyes. For some reason, Kendall was blushing. He could feel his face turning red as he got closer to Sophia. “Kono mama de zutto oboette iru.” Sophia whispered as they pushed their faces together. “Cut!” Fanny screamed. The two quickly pulled their faces away from each other. Unknown to Kendall, Sophia felt every bit as flustered as he did about this situation. “Okay, let me re-angle the camera, and then we can finish the scene.” The Chinese boy chuckled. He could tell from Kendall’s body language that he was starting to reciprocate Sophia’s feelings. But it will still take a little bit more time for the brunette to realize this himself. Regardless, Fanny enjoyed playing cupid.

“Hey! Wait for me!” Kendall was back in the flower fields. The girl in the white dress giggled as she ran into the woods. “Hold on!” He grunted, running into the forest, just inches behind her. “Come over here! Follow me, Kendall!” She chanted, going deeper and deeper into the woods. Kendall could see the contours of her face, but couldn’t quite recognize her from behind. She had a very small face with slim cheeks. “Kendall!” The girl called in an almost sing-song tone. She seemed to be mocking him at this point. “We’re here!” She stopped. The brunette took a second to catch his breath before looking up. They were at a clearing in the woods. Sunlight made its way through the wholes in the trees. “Who are you?” The brunette panted, winded from the chase. “You don’t recognize me? That’s a shame, Kendall.” The girl giggled, as she stepped into the center of the clearing. “It’s me.” She turned around. Unfortunately, Kendall didn’t quite get to see her face. Not yet, anyways.

“Wake up! Wake up, you idiot!” Kendall had fallen asleep on the car ride back home. The only reason why he managed to wake up was because Megan was kicking him in the shins. “Ouch.” He opened his eyes, only to see her, growling at him. “Get up. Fanny needs to go home.” She tugged at his arm. “Ouch, okay.” He got off. “Later!” Fanny waved, as his Tesla took off. “I get that you’re jet lagged, but that was just lame. Get it together.” Megan shook her head, walking up the stairs. But the boy was not thinking about her words as he followed her back to the apartment. He was thinking about the dream he had to wake up from just now. The girl, he saw her again. She was always just a few seconds away before somebody would inconveniently wake him up. It was frustrating. Maybe it was a metaphor for his love life? Always one second away, and then somebody else has to ruin it. Granted, in his real life, he never necessarily got that close to being in a relationship. There were his hopes with Carly, only just to realize how incompatible they would be as more than friends. At this point, the brunette just felt like he needed to focus on getting good grades. Relationships could wait for later.

“How was filming, honey?” A small Asian lady in her 40s, Mrs. Puckchareon, greeted her daughter. “It was fun! We went to the beach today.” Sophia explained. “Was rocket guy there?” Jesse looked at the two. “Yes. He was there.” “Rocket guy?” Mrs. Puckchareon was confused. “Oh. Kendall.” Sophia looked at her mother. “Oh, Kendall Skye? The boy in your English and Japanese classes, right?” She had met him in passing once. “Why’s he rocket guy?” “He loves aerospace engineering and rockets, so Jesse likes to call him that.” “Oh, okay, well that makes sense. Anyways, Sophia, I have to go back to Mrs. Ahn’s flower shop. I need to take inventory for tomorrow because we have a lot of orders coming in. It’s almost prom season and I know that everyone is going to want flowers.” Her mother grabbed her coat and headed off. Mrs. Puckchareon was the head of the PTA, so she was directly in charge of organizing the school’s dances every year. “Bye, mom!” Sophia waved. “I’ll take care of Jesse while you’re away!” “So what’s for dinner, Soph?” Jesse looked up at her. “Hmm… let’s go out for today.” She smiled. “It’s a Monday, we deserve it.” “Alright, where?” “How about Lemon Tree?” Sophia was referring to Lemon Tree Kids & Family Restaurant, a Korean-Italian place in Koreatown, close to where they lived. “Okay!” He grinned as they got up and started to talk there.

“Wait, so he tried to make you guys kiss?” Jesse laughed. “Yeah. Fanny thought it would be funny to rewrite the scene without telling me. Typical Fanny.” Sophia shook her head. “Fanny is hilarious. I love Fanny!” Jesse laughed. Out of all of Sophia’s friends who Jesse had met, Fanny was the only one Jesse never made fun of or called a funny name. Jesse called Carly “boring girl” and Kendall “rocket guy.” “He’s the best. Making you make out with rocket guy!” Jesse was trying not to fall out of his chair at this point. “Ugh, shut up, Jesse.” Sophia slid down her chair, embarrased. “What? It’s not like you like rocket guy, do you?” Jesse eyed his embarrassed sister. There was an awkward silence. “Oh. Fanny knew?” “Yeah, he did.” “Ooh, he’s evil! I like it.” Jesse gained a newfound appreciation and admiration for Fanny and his cunning ways.

At the Skye apartment, there was a knocking at the door. “Who is it?” Kendall half-awake, walked up to the door. “It’s me, Chloe.” She stated in a grumpy tone. “Oh.” He opened to door. The girl looked like a zombie. “Jet lag has been good to you too, I see.” The brunette noted the dark rings around her bloodshot eyes and the perpetual frown glued to her face. “Yup. Megan! Hurry up! I want food!” She whined. “Coming!” Megan shouted back, walking over. The two had made dinner plans because they wanted to get back into their usual routine and overcome their jet lag together. “How was Hong Kong?” Kendall tried to make small talk with her. “Good. How was Japan?” “Good.” Their conversation was short and awkward, just like their general relationship. The female brunette dragged her feet over to the door, looking equally exhausted. “Okay, let’s go.” The two walked off, looking like a pair of zombies. “Are those two going to be okay?” Gil peeked over Kendall’s shoulder. “Yeah.” “Ouch!” Chloe walked into a wall downstairs. “My face!” “Well, maybe. Thank god we have the Find My iPhone app on our phones. At least we can track her if anything goes wrong.” Kendall reassured his terrified little brother. “Alright then.” He yawned, walking back inside.

Sky Bird: Chapter 9

“And you guys went without us?!” Matt and Sophia frowned enviously. “Sorry, man. It was kind of a family and Jared feud-type thing…” Kendall tried to explain to his friend. The three of them were in English 2; it was the Monday after Kendall and Jared had made up. Fanny was not present because he had a cross country meet in Santa Barbara, and they had to drive up there. “Well, I’m glad it all worked out!” Sophia smiled. “Fanny told Carly and me all about it.” “Carly knows?” Kendall’s eyes widened in horror. “Yeah, we were worried about you guys, but when Fanny told us it all worked out, it was a huge relief. I’m glad we can all be friends again!” Sophia beamed. “But now that Fanny’s not here, I can participate the most in the class now! Nobody can topple me!” Matt joked, smiling mischievously.

Japanese 2 felt a lot lonelier without Fanny and Megan. Sophia, Carly, Sharquiqui, and Kendall were sitting together, practicing the new grammar form; tara, which when used between sentences, makes them hypothetical. Since the skit assignment, Carly and Sharquiqui have become really close; Sharquiqui likes to call them Carquily. “And then girl, I was like, you do not treat me like that! I have a 4.8 weighted GPA, I take 7 classes, 5 of which are AP or honors, and I am going to be the person who will send genetically modified clones after yo ass! That shit will be real scary! Like some sci-fi bullshit!” She pursed her lips and bobbed her head. “Yeah, he definitely doesn’t deserve somebody as bodacious yet intelligent as you.” Carly agreed. “Girl! This is why we are Carquily! You have my back!” She nodded approvingly. Sophia and Kendall just exchanged looks of amusement and confusion at the start of a very unexpected friendship.

“Carly and Sharquiqui? No way!” Jared and Kendall were done with soccer practice, and were laughing about the recent friends; Jared couldn’t imagine them being compatible. “All of the odd couples in this school!” Kendall chuckled. “Tell me about it.” Jared sighed sympathetically. “So when did you know Fanny was the guy you wanted to date?” The brunette was curious, since the two soccer players recently spoke about this. “It was probably just how straightforward he was. When I was first getting tutored by him, I didn’t really know what to think. But the way he carries himself with so much charisma and confidence, I just felt like I could trust him. He made me feel safe.” Jared felt himself blush as he admitted this. “I see. Uh, does that mean that Fanny’s the masculine one, or are you-” “Okay, well I get why you’re asking that, but’s a hard thing to really answer. We haven’t really explored that part of our relationship yet. I guess we both are masculine? But he’s more flamboyant, while I’m more soft-spoken.” The blonde explained. “That’s interesting to hear.” Kendall was fascinated to learn about Jared’s sexuality, just to gain more perspective.

“Ugh! I’m so exhausted!” “I know! I’m pooped.” Megan and Chloe were sitting nearby the beach. The Junior Varsity girls’ race was over, and the two were relaxing just off the side of the race course in Santa Barbara, at the beach. “Oh, look! It’s Fanny!” Megan pointed as the boy darted towards the finish line. “Go, Fanny!” Chloe cheered. Other runners were catching up to the Chinese boy, who started to sprint faster. “You’ll never beat me!” He screamed as the crowd was roaring. “Ugh, we have so much homework to catch up on.” Megan sighed; one missed day of high school means five classes’ worth of assignments that need to be made up. It was one of the biggest reasons why being an athlete was taxing. “I hope the others are having more fun than we are.” Chloe frowned. “First place, bitches!” Fanny screamed victoriously.

“I’m surprised that you wanted to hang out with us!” Matt, Jared, and Kendall were sitting with Carly and Sophia. It was after school, and the five of them were walking towards Santa Monica Pier. “Well, we have no real homework today, and we figured, why not?” “But it’s a Monday!” Matt reasoned. “And we have nothing better to do, right?” Carly giggled. “Besides, it’s fun hanging out together!” The five finally made it to the pier, and just admired the ocean view. “Ooh! Let’s go on the Ferris Wheel!” Jared suggested, eyeing Kendall. “Oh, sure!” Carly looked excited. “I’ve always wanted to go!” “Sure. So how will we do this? Two people to a car, and then one person alone?” Matt looked at the others. “I don’t mind sitting alone.” Carly insisted. “Nah, you should go with someone!” Jared insisted. “Oh. Well, uh… Matt, want to go together?” She looked at the blue-eyed brunette, who felt uncomfortable responding. “Uh, well I think I’d like to go alone actually…” He mumbled. “Well, I want to go with Sophia.” Jared said, walking up to the Thai girl. “I guess that leaves me?” Kendall looked at Carly. “Sure. I’ll go with Kendall then!” She smiled. Inside, the green-eyed brunette was excited. This was a legitimate first for the two of them. Being able to spend time withs somebody as kindhearted, sensible, and all around likable like Carly was something he greatly looked forward to.

“Wow! Look at that view!” Kendall pointed excitedly. They could see Malibu from their car. “I’m so taking a photo of this!” Carly took out her phone, and starting snapping pictures. Kendall was excited to be in the same car as Carly, but something felt off. She was friendly towards him, but the more they spoke, the less in common Kendall started realizing they had. “So what are your interests and hobbies?” “I like to sew, bake, shop, oh, I love the Real Housewives and Jane the Virgin. Romantic comedies are some of my favorites movies.” She listed. “I just love in rom-coms how you know it will always end well.” Carly definitely had some of the qualities of a girl Kendall could love, with the right personality, but when it came to interests, she was basically from a completely different planet. “Did you ever play Pokemon?” “I’ve heard of it, but we never really watched it growing up. I was more of a Card Captor Sakura kind of girl.” She revealed. Again, a completely foreign genre to Kendall. “So you said you’re into journalism, right?” “Yeah. Are you wanted to be an aerospace engineer?” “Yup! But for journalism, what kind of stories specifically are you interested in reporting?” “Probably anything that is breaking news. Especially if it can help make our world a better place if everyone was informed about it. It’s great to make sure that everyone is in the know, just to keep the world a fair place.”

“Why did you want to be in a car with me?” Sophia looked at Jared. “Mostly because we never really get a chance to talk. Like ever.” Jared laughed. “Well, we’re sharing a car now. Since we’re here, I just randomly remembered when Fanny told me about you back in middle school. It was so funny.” She tried to stifle her laughter. “Wait, what did he say?” Sophia’s remark warranted a skeptical eyebrow raise from Jared. “He just told me how you were really cute, and that you were patient with his personality. He had a feeling you were gay, but didn’t want to say anything to be rude.” “Wow, he knew since that early?” Jared was surprised. “Yup. Didn’t you guys meet in middle school too?” The blonde looked at her. “Yeah! Since you, me, and Kendall all went to the same elementary school, and Carly and Fanny went to a different one, the first time I ever met him was in 6th grade P.E.” “What was your first impression of Fanny?” He came off as very pompous and I definitely sensed he was gay. But he proved me wrong. Well not the gay part, but the pompous part. He was really funny, sarcastic, and I just enjoyed his commentary on everything.” Jared laughed, reminiscing in the plethora of sassy remarks Fanny has made over the years. “But tell me, Sophia. Is there any guy you’re interested in right now?’ The blonde looked at her. “Oh! Uh… well, about that….”  She trailed off, looking at the other cars. “This is so boring…. Ugh…” Matt sat in his cart, completely alone. “I hope the others are having more fun than I am.” He murmured, pulling out his phone. “I might as well put this on Snapchat, since I’m doing this.” He chuckled, recording the view. “On a ferris wheel alone. #single life” He captioned the video aloud.

Finally getting off the car, Kendall and Carly stood on the pier, waiting for the others to exit as well. “I’m glad we got to learn more about each other, Kendall!” Carly looked at him, beaming. “Thanks, Carly. It was great to get to know you better!” He returned the compliment. At this point, he was starting to realize, maybe Carly wasn’t the one for him. “Oh, look! Jared and Sophia are coming down now!” “Hey, guys!” The two waved to their friends as they walked towards them. “Hey, Carly, I was wondering if I could get your advice on some clothes. I want to get more into fashion, and you seem like the right person to ask about that.” Jared smiled. “Sure!” “Here, I have some photos. Let’s go over there.” Jared grabbed Carly and walked off. “Uh, what’s that about?” Kendall looked at the two of them before turning back to Sophia. “Well, I guess he doesn’t want our inputs.” Sophia frowned. “We’re not fabulous enough for them, I guess.” Kendall added, chuckling. “Oh, I forgot to ask! Have you finished reading Catcher in the Rye yet?” Sophia looked at the brunette. “Yeah! The ending, it kind of sucks, really. Holden ends up coming home after realizing that the world sucks. It’s so emo.” He scoffed, disappointed by the read. “I guess. I see it as him realizing that there are so many more opportunities left in the world. He just needs to keep growing and maturing at his own pace so that these opportunities will continue be possibilities for him.” Sophia retorted. “Wow. Why don’t you ever participate in class? It’s always like a battle between Fanny and Matt.” Kendall laughed. “Probably because I’m just not that kind of person. Being in the spotlight, it’s just not my thing.” She sighed. “Hey, guys. Way to abandon me!” Matt approached to two. “Oh, speak of the devil! We were just shit-talking about you.” Kendall joked. “Oh, you mean like how you guys made me get my own car? Well the joke’s on you! I got to put my feet up in the other chair!” He grinned triumphantly. “Ugh. Really? That’s the best you can come up with?” Sophia shook her head disapprovingly. “Oh, look, Matt’s back!” Jared and Carly returned to the three. “Thanks, Carly, for giving me advice. I’m definitely going to look into that tank top. I think Fanny will like it.” The blonde laughed. “No, problem, Jared. I’m glad that I was able to help!”

Sentimentalism: realization 12

This is probably one of the biggest reasons why I fall into depression. I get too sentimental for my own good. And it always happens during my senior year of school, be it high school or college. Whenever I have great memories from the years before, and not knowing where my future lies, it causes me to rely on those old memories to keep me going. And naturally, while I am hung up on the past, everyone else is moving on with their lives. I can’t move forward, because I am trying too hard to cling on to good memories that are drifting further and further away. This stems back to my biggest fear, being abandoned and forgotten. Since I cannot move forward, the entire world is naturally leaving me behind. And I am stuck living in the past.
The biggest reason I get sentimental is because I am too scared about what comes next in my life. The next big chapter, the huge question mark that is my future. Obviously, it won’t be as bad once I am on the other side, no matter where I wind up, but that sort of anxiety causes me to feel isolated. Those good memories are the only thing that I feel are keeping me from completely breaking down. Or so I thought. In reality, me relying on those good memories, plus me trying to avoid my uncertainty, it keeps me from being able to take that leap into my future, or at the least, treat the moments leading up to it like every other day.
When I become too sentimental, I basically fall into this state of relying too much on the past, looking too into previous actions of those around me. It does cause me to appreciate people more, but unfortunately, it comes off in the creepiest and most unsettlingly way possible. Twice now have friends who have been subjected to me in this state have thought I had romantic feelings for them. But it all stems back to me wanting to reciprocate the consideration they have given me over the years, by being so sentimental. Again, this is not okay behavior. I am not proud of the fact that I did this, because I just could not let it go and move forward with my life.
My biggest fear is being left behind, but ironically, my crutch or solution to my second biggest fear, which is uncertainty, just feeds into it. I am being left behind because I couldn’t let go of the past, accept my present, and move forward into my future. Well, not before causing me to lose countless friendships associated with the memories I relied on to get me through my doubts and uncertainties. The only way thus far that I managed to remove this reliance on sentimentalism was to sever my ties with the people I loved, and with that, I had nothing left to be sentimental about. This is not a good habit either. I need to ultimately accept my present and walk into my future, not holding onto the past at all. That is the only way I can become feather-light.