Healing: dream

Being able to recover from something and move on, it’s a wonderful feeling. The healing process is a vital part in us maturing as human beings. A lot of it starts with forgetting about what it is that hurt us to begin with, specifically that pain. Yet, you still need to keep the lesson learned from whatever hurt you in mind. It could be that certain people are not good people, or be less naive, but whatever the lesson is, know what needs to be learned. Secondly, while keeping that newly learned moral in the back of your head, move on with your life. It might mean cutting off old parts of your life, but you need to do it, or else you could very easily revert to old, harmful habits that could cause you a lot of pain and possibly, cause you to revert to self-inflicting tendencies. That is the biggest emotional hurdle in the healing process is cutting off the past and forgetting about it.

The next part of the healing process is filling your life with new things to replace the old. They don’t have to be similar things. Preferably, they shouldn’t be similar things. Anything that reminds you of your past pain, that’s just asking to be triggered. Being able to do that, it also helps you forget the past a lot easier. You’re able to let go and not think about whatever horrible influences have hurt you. And while cutting off is the biggest challenge emotionally, this part is the most difficult part mentally is putting the past behind you. You are probably used to a certain routine, and you want to revert to it. You probably wouldn’t want to include new things into your life and you yearn for the past. Very few people are naturally good at adapting to and accepting change. And that’s to be expected. We can’t all just be okay to uprooting our daily routines. But being able to accept the change, even in small steps, it helps.

By allowing these new influences into your life, you can expel a lot of the negative emotions that have been burdening you earlier. You stop thinking about those dark thoughts, or about the causes of them. Instead, every day becomes a new opportunity for you to discovery something new about yourself or the world around you. You start to find yourself smiling a lot more, and while you know that this world is a little less wonderful than you remember it being, the parts that are genuinely wonderful that you discover makes that journey worthwhile. Being able to see the good in the world, it’s refreshing. Whether it’s new people, new hobbies, new places, you’ll surprise yourself with how much this world has to offer, despite whatever it was that hurt you in the first place. You stop thinking about the guilt, the pain, the trauma, and it helps you focus on future and what you can do as an individual to make the most of yours.

Being able to completely cast your past behind, it’s not easy. Those wounds from your trauma, they do become scars, but with time, you will forget what exactly gave you those scars exactly, but you will still vaguely remember how you got them, and what you can do to prevent yourself from falling into the same mistake again. The world will no longer feel like a cage or trap confining you, and it will open itself up to you. You are no longer being held down or back by those negative influences and burdens. Instead, you can focus on making the person you see in the mirror somebody you can love more and more. And once you reach that point of loving yourself, don’t stop there. Find new things about the world, and figure out what new things you love as well, and how you can work towards incorporating that newfound passion or interest into your life. With healing, you gain depth and character and that’s a life worth living in this featherlight world.

under the cherry blossoms: dream

It might just be because I have watched too many Japanese dramas, but I want to watch cherry blossoms bloom in Japan. Seeing the skies flood with these beautiful pink flowers is a sight to behold and it symbolizes so many different things: new life, a new year, and new opportunities.

When I started Featherlight, it was meant for me to better understand myself post suicide attempt. I used writing to help me cope with so many different kinds of pains and losses inflicted upon me by people who quite frankly were a waste of my time. But this post is not going to focus on that sort of negativity. I made my one jab and I’m moving on from that. I’m here to talk about cherry blossoms and new dreams.

In an ideal world, we can wake up every morning with a big, bright smile on our faces. There would be no need for negativity or bringing others down. When problems arise, we would simply face them and not make bigger deals out of them: situations would never escalate. Life would be simple but pleasant. With the bloom of this year’s cherry blossoms, I can finally say that I see the ugly side to ambition. The stress of taking on too much, it drives us mad with insecurity, exhaustion, and stress. We rub it in to others that we are doing more, as a facade masking how pained or shaken we really are. We are human beings, not robots. Trying to do so much may look good on paper, but it drives away a good portion of our humanity. It wears on our stamina and it makes us unpleasant to be around for a plethora of reasons, namely that we create insecurity and uneasiness with such reckless or bashful behavior.

I don’t want anyone to ever feel like they are not good enough. We all have the privilege of living life, and nobody should ever tell you that you are not good enough or make you feel insignificant in this world. You have been given an inherent purpose by being born a living, sentient being. Use that sentience and allow it to guide you to where you want to go. Don’t be worried if you’re not getting there as quickly as the person next to you. With enough dedication at a pace that befits you, you will arrive at your destination. For me, that is in Japan, owning a bakery, and being able to watch the cherry blossoms every spring. Even if it takes me until the age of 100, so long as I can get there before death, that is all I ask.

How I overcame my anxiety: realization 22

I used to have panic attacks because I felt like my life was meaningless, or that the basis for my existence was flawed or incorrect. I still remember that sensation all too well. I would get short of breath, my eyes felt like they were going to pop out of my head. My heart would be pounding out of my chest. Every single ounce of doubt or guilt I have ever had, rushing through my brain and overwhelming me. And the worst was the thoughts. Thoughts of pressing a blade against my wrists. How easy it would be to reach into my knife bag and take any of them out. I still remember the first panic attack I ever had. I was still in depression, and clipping my nails. And then I started thinking about what it would be like to use the clipper on my veins. Immediately, I was able to snap out of it, and I threw the clipper at the wall. It was terrifying. I was really scared.

After the whole suicide attempt, I had a lot of time to really reflect on why I came to this state. Most people think that it’s a waste of time to reflect or figure out the cause. But I know that isolating and better understanding the cause is key to moving forward and overcoming the fundamental reason for my anxiety. For me, these anxiety attacks started because I felt useless and helpless. In a previous post, I spoke about how for a while, I only gained confidence through being of value to others. That sort of validation from helping and caring about other people. Well, my roommate at the time, they were somebody I really cared for. But they were not necessarily the most receptive to my care. And in the face of that, I kept trying harder and harder, because I needed affirmation that I was being valued. And they did not make any effort to acknowledge that, and it hurt me. It caused my self-esteem to plummet.

My self-esteem being so low is one of the biggest reasons why I fell into depression. I did not feel comfortable in my own skin any more. I began to resent myself. On top of resenting myself, I doubted my own potential and capabilities. I started to think I was worthless and would amount to nothing. My anxiety attacks were these feelings manifesting themselves whenever a problem or obstacle arose and I just could not solve the issue. That frustration, mixed with panic, fear, and doubt, created these episodes where I basically resented myself and had to fight off the urge to slit my wrists or throat. Ultimately, the last time I had a panic attack was when I tried to kill myself. It was tough, but I managed to stop myself. I realized how much happiness there still is left in the world, and no matter how little I believe in myself, I as a human being have the potential to do a lot. When you are having panic attacks, you need to realize this as well. Life might not go as you planned, and that happens all the time. That’s because this world is so much bigger than our own needs and wants. Learn to go along with things when they don’t go your way, and stop thinking about what could have or should have been. So you wanted to be a firefighter, but wound up a cop? Then learn to be the best cop there is! Maybe things don’t go the way you want, but you can still make something out of the situation you have! Learn to believe in yourself. And I know it is hard, but you can do whatever you put your mind to. That’s something I will basically spam across how ever many posts I have already written.

It took me a long time to realize this, but I genuinely do love this world. Even though there are horrible people in it, and I am left confused or hurt a lot, being alive and being able to smile, laugh, and enjoy simple things like cooking, baking, nature, it’s honestly all I need to be happy. To be able to share my stories, and show that there is a brighter side to things, I am glad if even 1 person out there reads this post, and can realize that life does not always have to be about what went wrong or how we screwed up. We can embrace ourselves, regardless of the wrongs we committed, and learn to love both ourselves and those we hold dear. Anxiety is a bad thing, yes. And if you can’t handle it on your own, go see a psychiatrist. And don’t feel bad. We as human beings experience this all the time. It is perfectly normal and understandable. Accepting that a lot of things are beyond our control, it is important if we want to live a feather-light life.

How to just be yourself: realization 5

I would say that for the moment, this is the culmination of all realizations. This is the one that really snapped me out of my depression. Seeing the effects of depression on me, it was an eye-opener. And just knowing the way I acted, and how it affected the people I loved and cared about. Unfortunately, I cannot undo the horrible things I’ve said during that state. And no, I cannot expect forgiveness either. I can try, which I intend to do. But regardless of whether people do or don’t accept my apology, I need to change. I need to become a better me from this.

Taking that step back is the first thing you need to do to stop that weakness. You need to remove yourself from the environment that dragged you into that depression. Having a passion gives you a new reason to live. Knowing your self worth keeps doubt from crawling back in. Most importantly, you need to re-learn how to love yourself. Figure out what qualities you have that you really are proud of. Whether it’s being a driven worker, or a selfless person, you need to remind yourself why you still need to exist in this world. Sometimes, the qualities you need to realize aren’t the one you immediately think of. For me, I know that being selfless and caring are good qualities, but the real quality that I am proud about is my willpower. Even when I was about to jump, I stopped myself. I was able to come to the conclusion that I am not going to hurt anyone anymore than I already have. Just knowing that I forced myself to not jump, it made me realize that I am stronger than I realized.

I thought by killing myself, I was doing somebody else a favor. I thought that he would be better off without me. Both times. But that was wrong to think that way. Nobody, no matter how much they dislike me, would genuinely wish for my death. Mostly because I have never done anyone that much wrong in my life. Already at that point, I was digging deep, and finding the qualities that I love. Just the fact that I wanted to off myself for the convenience of others, it shows selflessness and remorse. While yes, it shows cowardice and a lack of confrontation, those are qualities I now know I need to work on if I am to get stronger in the future.

Zero in on the qualities you are proud of, and make improving the ones you are ashamed of a priority. By doing both, you are building yourself back up as a person. With every other realization I have had, by following all of them, I can get myself out of that funk. I can take the steps necessary to be happy again. That really is how I overcame that funk of doubt and anxiety, and realized what I need to set out to do to be the person I want to be again. As for how other people react, that’s another story to tell. But this is my secret to overcoming a personal obstacle, and having a feather-light life.