Sensitivity: realization

I always had this issue in life where I would take things too personally. Little comments, remarks, small gestures, they would have such a huge subliminal impact on me to the point where it would bother me for ages. Sometimes I would act on it, albeit overreact and give people the rise they may or may not be wanting, or I would used to shelve it, and it become a massive mess when I would go volcanic. Instead of shelving any pain, I have been just trying to get it out of my system by exercising, and learning not to take things so personally. Rather than seeing anything as a personal attack on me as a person, I just try to understand where they are coming from, what their intentions are, and what I did to affect them to cause such behavior, or if their attitude was just normal to begin with, and I was misinterpreting their actions.

Half the time I get hurt or affected by the behavior of others, it is because something is stressing me out already, such as getting a job, family or friends-related issues, for example. I am already at a vulnerable state at that point, so little things would just get under my skin easily. I would always get so bothered to the point where I would not stop thinking about comments or remarks that irked me, and I would even lose sleep over how angry or annoyed I would get. It was not a pleasant habit, in the slightest. This kind of toxic, grudge-forming behavior is what caused a lot of problems for me in the past. I would burn so many bridges and be outcasted by so many people because I would get so easily hurt and would push other people away so quickly.

Unfortunately, that sensitivity had stages. The second paragraph described stage 1 of my toxically sensitive behavior. The second phase, it would get worse. I would not stop being affected by the fact that I pushed people away. That sort of guilt, it really does eat away at you. I would feel more remorse than you could imagine over hurting people like that, and it quickly turns to self-resentment. And I’m sure I’ve written enough about that to the point where it is guessable where self-resentment would eventually turn to. Like I said, sensitivity to that extreme, it is a vicious cycle that I have been trapped in for two occasions of my life already. At that point in time, I thought that I couldn’t really do anything about it, but that’s not the case. There is a way to break out of the cycle.

Distract yourself from these things by not thinking about them, but rather, focusing on things that you enjoy doing once you cannot do anything more in pursuit of your goals. Do not let the little things and thoughts bother you. Don’t read to deep into things, and try to excavate hidden meanings beyond what is actually there. Some might call it a naive way of living, but I call it building up a wall of indifference so that you have the space and time to grow thicker skin to these kinds of comments and remarks. I genuinely can’t stress enough how important it is to not take things to heart so often. When you do, it opens you up to that vulnerability, and if you are an overtly sensitive person to begin with, it will only end with you taking everything too personally and getting offended quite easily. Learning to relax, let go, and not get offended, that’s what it means to live a featherlight life.

 

Dear diary: dream 19

We all have secrets we would like to bury somewhere. As children, we had diaries and journals. As adults, well, it depends. Some people get psychiatrists, others, book clubs, some like me get anonymous blogs. Basically, we want to keep our secrets a secret, but we also need to appease the urge to blurt them out. When I think about all of the secrets I have kept over the years, it does get tough to keep them all hidden. But I have seen somebody else who had to swear a lot of conflicts to secrecy, and as a result, he internally broke down. I tried to do the same, but it got harder and harder as time progressed. I didn’t want to keep those aspects of me a secret any longer.

The idea of secrets, I just wonder why we need to have them. Why can’t we be open about our lives? Granted, I should be able to answer that rhetorical easily, given that I am writing from behind an alias. A digital mask, keeping anyone from knowing who I really am…hopefully. We keep secrets for several reasons. We want to protect somebody else or spare their feelings, we don’t want to be judged or labeled for our actions or mistakes, generally it all comes down to us not wanting to hurt somebody, whether it be someone else or ourselves.

I wish this was a world where we did not have to keep those secrets bottled up. Yes, I have had an eating disorder, tried killing myself twice, and had sex with a stranger almost twice my age a week after turning 18, but if I said those things in real life, people would judge me. People would tell me that I am a psychotic whore. But those were my secrets. Those were the things I had to keep bottled up for years and years. But I will say them now. I have a digital mask on anyways, so there are hardly as many consequences. Granted, should you find out who I really am in real life, then I will embrace the fact that I did those things, because those secrets or mistakes, they have made me stronger and smarter. Plus, that 30 year old was a total 10, so you know, another notch under my belt.

My sadness from being betrayed by friends repeatedly, regrets for having so an anti-social adolescence, these are all things that I would have written about if I had a diary. My dreams of opening a bakery, of finding true love, starting a family, again, all things I would have written about. Dear diary, you have become this blog. I continue to write about a world that would be ideal for me. A world where secrets did not have to be buried in a journal and pages. Where secrets just don’t exist. It is a naïve wish, but I would love to live in this open world of my feather-light dreams.