maturity and anger: realization

I’m writing this post so that I can distract myself from the fact I’m stuck in car with a very incompetent Lyft driver. Now I can be angry and completely bitch out the driver for driving into a traffic filled road rather than following the app’s suggested route and taking the back roads, or I can relish the fact that I’m in one of the busiest roads on the city, able to see the city life unfold around me. I’m letting time drift by, trying to not get annoyed or angry at my situation, because at the end of the day, there are better things to do than be pissed off.

This situation reminds me of two instances that were extreme opposites: when Scarlett forgot to register for classes and got extremely angry, to the point where she made everyone uncomfortable. She had the advantage of being able to pick her classes before the other college freshmen, and she did not realize that she simply planned her classes, not actually register for them. Her attitude was infectiously negative and made us all very unsure of how to feel. We were able to help her salvage a schedule for classes, but not after she had already went into a rage induced emotional rant about how unfair it was.

The other case was with my friend, Ann. She lost her wallet and credit cards flying over from NorCal to visit for spring break. Unlike Scarlett, Ann handled the situation really rationally. She figured out what she needed to account for, i.e. her credit cards, driver’s license, and while she did lose those, she still managed to have her passport. While she had to basically cancel her credit cards and rely on Venmo-ing strangers the whole time, she still had a lot of fun and completely forgot about the whole indicident. She invoked positivity and maturity in the face of a problem.

I’m trying to channel my inner Ann and take a horrible situation and make the most out it. My driver is a moron, and yes, he is going to get a very bad review, but that’s for later. In the present, I’m going to soak in the architecture of the buildings and people watch. Because that’s the most I can do with a situation out of my hands. Being angry will only make the situation escalate.

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Darkness: dream 9

This post is a test of my sanity and happiness. Just writing about my inner darkness is a trigger for my anxiety and fears. That photo was taken right before I tried to jump into the 0 degree F ocean. But if I can overcome that fear and write about it, then I’ll just come out of this stress that much stronger.

My biggest fears include being left behind, dying without a sense of purpose, and the darkest would be growing old alone and being left behind and completely forgotten by my friends. That one really scares me.

When I’m in this state of darkness, reason doesn’t exist to me. I felt alone, scared, worthless. I feel like nobody else understands this uncertainty and numbing fear I am experiencing, and that just pushes them away.

The biggest challenges in overcoming that are: properly communicating how I’m feeling so that people understand why I need help, and taking this feeling of loneliness and turning it into something positive. I need to make sure that, even though I’m alone, that I can take this as an opportunity to make new friends or focus on myself.

You can take these dark moments in your life, and find ways to embrace them. See them as challenges to overcome to make you stronger. Being afraid and being nervous are understandable. Trust me, I know the feeling all too well, and talking from retrospect, I wish I could have seen my situation in that light. Unfortunately, if you do succumb and you make irreversible mistakes, just learn from those and find new ways to move on. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. You just need to find it first.